A Skeptic's Prayer

Tonight I attended a night of renewal at my local church. After a week where I became lethargic and complacent, I doubted God's attendance in my heart this evening. While I struggled to engage in worship, I decided to engage in a lost love, reading the Bible and journaling while soaking in worship. This is the order of events for my evening, and at the end reflection it seemed the God brought me on a journey that I wasn't aware of in the moment.
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Prayer 

I the Skeptic, doubts
I the Romantic, hopes

I breathe in with anticipation
I wince in my hesitation

Silence
           Is not Your absence loud?

Noise
         Is not Your whisper seen?

So I relieve my heart
Letting go of my agenda

Cautious but with faith

Baggage at the door

Let me hear You more

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Lessons from 2 Peter 3 - an emotional reflection with little context.

Remember
              With sincerity and weight remember the Words from long ago

Oh God, time is not of Your concern
Yet within time You act
Your patience is our salvation
Though often the source of our frustration

And so we wait

                         proactively acting towards You
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Longing and Doubt

Our mouths dry, longing for Your water
Full and ready to burst     we long
Will our hopes be dashed upon the rocks of derision?
Yet...
      Yet...
           And yet.....
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Confession

Am I the fool, the arrogant minion acting against their Lord, perhaps unwittingly?
Consumed in the world of myself?!

So Speak!

Do we hear You?
           Or are our thoughts too loud?

Prayers for the other causing Selah.
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Trepidation and Celebration

Let Your love rush into this room
Flooding this home like a mighty wind

COME

And she came, and heaven broke forth speaking
"We now rejoice!"
The Father's voice of love echoing through the celebration,
"Welcome home my little one. You truly are home."

"To you my laborer, let your heart rest. For I have met you, and I do not fail, nor do I leave you unsatisfied.
I have made the difference."
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Reflection

Remember the height from which you have fallen. Oh Ephesus you have been running in your busy, and in your hard work. Remember! The early days, your first love! Repent! Return to the things you first did, when you first drew near to Me. Work out with Me your salvation. How did you engage with Me long ago? What captivated you? Go back, and do those things.

Belonging to Truth

My pastor once said he trusts himself more in the dark times than when he is happy. I have meditated on that concept a lot since he mentioned it - and I found my conclusion. I don't trust myself at any point - not during the high, or following the low. The concept of the heart being desperately wicked and no one knowing it resounds in this reflection.

And yet....

I have read through the Bible a few times - being raised in a Christian home offered opportunity and desire to do so. Yet there is a passage at the end of 1 John 3 that I never noticed before.

19 This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: 20 If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. 21 Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God 22 and receive from him anything we ask, because we keep his commands and do what pleases him.

I rarely feel my heart at rest. There have been seasons where my heart is not quite as erratic, yet peace is a rare phenomenon. And yet, I am encouraged by the power in these verses.

Belonging to the truth does not mean my heart is at rest in His presence. If my heart is going a million different directions in the midst of worship I am not far from Him, though my heart condemns me as such. The truth is found in knowing the God is greater than my heart. When I am running back and forth, getting hurt my the lack of information shared, feeling rejected or out of the loop - He is not. I know it may seem simple - of course God is not lacking, but in the heat of the moment when your heart is heavy we tend to project our weaknesses onto the Creator.

My heart condemning me is not a reflection of my salvation. I was that young girl who prayed every sinner's prayer just to be certain - as my heart would condemn me almost daily. I was baptized many times for the same reason. I have fallen back into sin, as my heart showed me as already defeated and condemned so I might as well get the perks of sin. I often associated my hearts condemnation with the Spirit's. I am the child who tries to fix everything before asking for help. I want to make my heart right, before I commune with the Father. Yet this verse reminds me that there are times, and they may be often, where my heart will not rest in His presence and the worse thing I can do is assume that that is God.

I am often led by my heart, emotions defining truth, circumstances forming who I am. God is greater than my heart, and in that He knows everything. When my heart feels ambiguous and I can't figure out why I am in turmoil - I don't need to figure it out before coming to Jesus' feet. Rather I will find my rest in giving my heart to Him, letting Him lay aside the ambiguity and letting Him speak the truth of the situation not just my emotion in the moment.

This verse lines up with the song that has been playing over and over in my heart the last few weeks. The last couple of months of been incredibly stretching, in new and unfamiliar ways. The rocks of life have been turned into sand, and path has seemingly disappeared - forcing me to just be here. Being is hard, and the most uncomfortable thing I have experienced - yet is in the being God is able to speak. I can be, exposing my most intimate self if I have the promise of being known in the process.

The last line of this song says - 'you memorize me'. God knows our hearts, even if we don't - and we can enter into His rest when we allow that truth to speak louder than the condemnation we hear.

Understanding Lies

When words drip from a broken vessel they often bring sour taste.

If I am His and He is mine, then why do I act so alone?

When listening to lies, the only way to be free is to hear Truth.

In the midst of my wanderings, I hear the whispers of the I AM.

If I could just express all that is in my chest, I'd be free.

So You call us to run, to let loose the things tight wound.

For in the moment of expression, we find the lies.

Then You can speak truth, BE Truth, and we can know.

Let us find You, Potter and form our clay anew.

Making this broken, white wash pot a pitcher of hope.

So we wait, You will not leave us tarrying for long.