Moving

Sometimes the song comes forth intentional, fully planned, executed in perfect melody; other times however the song appears, the notes leaving your lips as honestly spills forth from your heart. This is what prayer is for me - a song.
I pray other ways of course - in writing, in silent words, in Spirit led groans, and a in covering meditation. But I am still caught by the wonder of praying in song. Yesterday I was driving, on my way to get my husband for the 4th Celebration after spending all afternoon help cleaning out my parents house. The last couple of weeks, and really months have been very traumatic emotionally for me - and it's not because of other's actions, but because of deep reflection. I've screamed, I've cursed, I've cried in a depth that is beyond me, I've laid at the altar as hands of love keep my soul at rest, I've gotten angry - so angry I'm scared by the pain inside and I've laughed freely. My heart is a worn mess and this move has brought it all up.

As I drove I sang various melodies, trying to express my heart, all of a sudden tears were falling and I was catching my breath - I was singing my heart to God. Anger, confusion, lost, frustration, hopelessness, deep hope, anger, and fear. A mangled prayer as I could barely get the notes out, but it was true - and I asked God why.

The answer well, is still waiting. But my heart rested after its brutal expression of pain to the Lord, and the Spirit in Her tenderness and strength reassured my heart that I was not forgotten.

I'm still angry. I feel the wrath inside - but the God of the heavens is not shaken by my anger, but invites me to let it go and find rest.

I'm still confused. The questions, the doubts, I don't understand anything of the last few months.

I'm still hurting. The tears can bubble in a moment, that place of wrestling is sore, and I don't know who won.

But I am not forgotten. There is a part of me that doubts that, a part that wants to yell to the heavens and say "You lied, You are dead to me as I am dead to You!" But there is my head, and the depth of my spirit that knows that this too shall pass, and His Light brought into eternal glory of my life.

Moving turns a home back into a house, and puts the heart looking for it's home. But where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom, where the Body is there is Love, and Truth is now a person to know and we are not forgotten.