Sitting in the dance studio lobby, waiting for my daughter's 90 minutes of ballet, tap and jazz - here in the chaotic hall I find my respite. It is my 90 minutes of "me" time. But with a nagging feeling of being alone from the social event I just left, Netflix being down and my new headphones broken in one ear my precious time seems violated....
I never knew I needed time alone. But as I have become an adult I find the need to do what I like, to express my own self, is not only important but sometimes essential for getting through the day. As a doer, I am excellent and going till the breaking point. Not stopping till everything falls apart forcing me to stop moving. This is seen in my work, my marriage, my parenting, my ministry and friendships - I go until I can go no more and the world can see who I really am. Because truly they wouldn't seen anything else but what I do, for I am a doer...
That's not true, I hear my husband speak, a soft but firm voice much like the Holy Spirit. I struggle with worth, with place, with knowing myself and doing is the way I most easily reconcile all the struggles inside. You see the place I just left before coming here was an ice cream social, it was for the seminary my husband attends. (Note I said he attends as I am taking a semester off and have isolated myself from that community.) These people are friends, acquaintances, ministry partners, professors, and even my pastors. But walking into that crowd of people I felt a rush of aloneness. A sea of isolation gripped my heart, as my current speechlessness due to illness forced me to see myself. I didn't know my role. I was neither the facilitator, nor the student, I wasn't the comrade, or the employee, I was not the one supposed to be hospitable, nor was I a new face others sought out. Truly with my five year old daughter by my side, I felt horribly out of place and wanted to hide. I hated it. I always hate that feeling.
It's not an unfamiliar wrap, rather it's one I've struggled with most of my adult life. I am a highly extroverted, social butterfly that without a role I die suddenly, like the frost kills the fruit. So I avoided role-less situations. I have my husband with me, and if he isn't I put on a role - a self assign a necessary identity to the group dynamic. But if I am truly myself, just me - we'll I'm so unfamiliar with her surely no one lee would recognize her as the friend they've made.
Oh the awkward moments! The times of saying your name for the third time, of being welcomed but not known, yes those moments when you may be recognized but truly you are unknown.
Beloved, that is the time for hospitality. Churches, groups, people - we all say welcome. But so many of us never act it out. We avoid those ones who make us uncomfortable, the high calorie people we find ourselves making excuses to not talk to. We don't care to go past the basic facts, inviting others into who we are. You know that's what we all want, in those moments of unique and utterly aloneness - when our own personhood is in question, we want to be gathered up into the story of the other. To be grabbed by the heart and hand by another's world, and thus finding ourselves not nearly alone as we thought. In those moments of utter vulnerably we are given the rare opportunity to find something new about ourselves, but only through the act of the other.
Today was not my day to be raptured by another, because I had to face my loneliness, my complete sense of lostness - especially in the midst of my heroes, my examples, my friends. See while holistic hospitality is the gift God wanted to remind me of, the need for role is what God is trying to repair.
I'll be honest. I've called myself many things.
Mom.
Wife.
Friend.
Administartor.
Student.
Teacher.
Boss.
Employee.
theologian.
Seeking pastor.
Missionary.
But I will say this... The only one of those I hold onto day and night are those that I can accomplish on my own. Through my own strength, initiative, and gifting I can accomplish and live out many of those roles - so in the darkest days, and highest nights I hold onto them because I CAN DO IT.
Those roles that I can't make happen... The theologian, the pastor, the missionary.... These are gifts given by God, not roles I can put on and off as I please. They are enrapturing roles, encompassing identities, ways of living not streams of acting. And if I were to be honest, I don't trust God or my own worthiness to be given such a gift.
I always thought it was just a trust issue with God, but I'm finding more and more I don't trust my own value in the eyes of the Creator. If I am not doing, I am not being valued. I can't earn these, and I have to trust a God who operates on a completely different level than I to bring them about. You see, I don't trust anyone to be more committed than I - especially a distant deity.
So here is my prayer in contrast to my confession.
God,
You are here.
In the dirty spaces,
The crowded lobbies,
Your Spirit is present.
I will speak boldly then,
In my own voice I will confess,
I trust You not.
Where the transgression lies,
I do not know,
But I feel it so ever deeply -
"You've done me wrong".
I know this is foolish,
But Lord if I'm honest,
I feel hurt by You.
You know me better,
You know me best.
So precious Jesus,
The Savior, please respond to me.
Call me.
Oh precious Jesus,
Call me.
I feel like one of here friends of John,
For some reason you've passed me by.
I feel like the other brother of Philip,
The one you did not speak to.
I want to be called.
I want to follow you.
I want to see that road,
Or have the blinding light,
Encounter Your glory
And be named.
Mark me Spirit.
Call me to you so I may be found, known and loved.
I never knew I needed time alone. But as I have become an adult I find the need to do what I like, to express my own self, is not only important but sometimes essential for getting through the day. As a doer, I am excellent and going till the breaking point. Not stopping till everything falls apart forcing me to stop moving. This is seen in my work, my marriage, my parenting, my ministry and friendships - I go until I can go no more and the world can see who I really am. Because truly they wouldn't seen anything else but what I do, for I am a doer...
That's not true, I hear my husband speak, a soft but firm voice much like the Holy Spirit. I struggle with worth, with place, with knowing myself and doing is the way I most easily reconcile all the struggles inside. You see the place I just left before coming here was an ice cream social, it was for the seminary my husband attends. (Note I said he attends as I am taking a semester off and have isolated myself from that community.) These people are friends, acquaintances, ministry partners, professors, and even my pastors. But walking into that crowd of people I felt a rush of aloneness. A sea of isolation gripped my heart, as my current speechlessness due to illness forced me to see myself. I didn't know my role. I was neither the facilitator, nor the student, I wasn't the comrade, or the employee, I was not the one supposed to be hospitable, nor was I a new face others sought out. Truly with my five year old daughter by my side, I felt horribly out of place and wanted to hide. I hated it. I always hate that feeling.
It's not an unfamiliar wrap, rather it's one I've struggled with most of my adult life. I am a highly extroverted, social butterfly that without a role I die suddenly, like the frost kills the fruit. So I avoided role-less situations. I have my husband with me, and if he isn't I put on a role - a self assign a necessary identity to the group dynamic. But if I am truly myself, just me - we'll I'm so unfamiliar with her surely no one lee would recognize her as the friend they've made.
Oh the awkward moments! The times of saying your name for the third time, of being welcomed but not known, yes those moments when you may be recognized but truly you are unknown.
Beloved, that is the time for hospitality. Churches, groups, people - we all say welcome. But so many of us never act it out. We avoid those ones who make us uncomfortable, the high calorie people we find ourselves making excuses to not talk to. We don't care to go past the basic facts, inviting others into who we are. You know that's what we all want, in those moments of unique and utterly aloneness - when our own personhood is in question, we want to be gathered up into the story of the other. To be grabbed by the heart and hand by another's world, and thus finding ourselves not nearly alone as we thought. In those moments of utter vulnerably we are given the rare opportunity to find something new about ourselves, but only through the act of the other.
Today was not my day to be raptured by another, because I had to face my loneliness, my complete sense of lostness - especially in the midst of my heroes, my examples, my friends. See while holistic hospitality is the gift God wanted to remind me of, the need for role is what God is trying to repair.
I'll be honest. I've called myself many things.
Mom.
Wife.
Friend.
Administartor.
Student.
Teacher.
Boss.
Employee.
theologian.
Seeking pastor.
Missionary.
But I will say this... The only one of those I hold onto day and night are those that I can accomplish on my own. Through my own strength, initiative, and gifting I can accomplish and live out many of those roles - so in the darkest days, and highest nights I hold onto them because I CAN DO IT.
Those roles that I can't make happen... The theologian, the pastor, the missionary.... These are gifts given by God, not roles I can put on and off as I please. They are enrapturing roles, encompassing identities, ways of living not streams of acting. And if I were to be honest, I don't trust God or my own worthiness to be given such a gift.
I always thought it was just a trust issue with God, but I'm finding more and more I don't trust my own value in the eyes of the Creator. If I am not doing, I am not being valued. I can't earn these, and I have to trust a God who operates on a completely different level than I to bring them about. You see, I don't trust anyone to be more committed than I - especially a distant deity.
So here is my prayer in contrast to my confession.
God,
You are here.
In the dirty spaces,
The crowded lobbies,
Your Spirit is present.
I will speak boldly then,
In my own voice I will confess,
I trust You not.
Where the transgression lies,
I do not know,
But I feel it so ever deeply -
"You've done me wrong".
I know this is foolish,
But Lord if I'm honest,
I feel hurt by You.
You know me better,
You know me best.
So precious Jesus,
The Savior, please respond to me.
Call me.
Oh precious Jesus,
Call me.
I feel like one of here friends of John,
For some reason you've passed me by.
I feel like the other brother of Philip,
The one you did not speak to.
I want to be called.
I want to follow you.
I want to see that road,
Or have the blinding light,
Encounter Your glory
And be named.
Mark me Spirit.
Call me to you so I may be found, known and loved.
No comments:
Post a Comment