When running comes to an end...

Most who know me, know that I am constantly on the go. Like Wile E. Coyote chasing the Roadrunner I am constantly seeking after the task ahead of me. As the anvil falls on my head, or as I run off a cliff - nothing will detour me from that Roadrunner. The voices around me tell me to stop, slow down, enjoy that which is around you but like an addict - I can't seem to stop chasing after the task.

But death.....

Death stops any soul - at least for a moment. And death has been more in my life the last 10 days than it has appeared in almost a decade. Death of an employee, death of a distant friend, death of a father's dream - death is an enemy and has shown itself so this season. But everything keeps moving. Like a hamster stuck in it's wheel - I've tried to stop moving and the wheel won't stop spinning, and it's leaving me dizzy and disoriented.

The voices have been true. Friends encouraging to be, pastors saying to stay, lovers wanting just to know. I laid on my husband's chest, as he read Angelina Ballerina and I cried.

I want to be eloquent.
I want to write something beautiful.
But my ability to speak is all I have now.

Why?
Why Jesus?
Why don't you come?
Why is death winning?
I thought you destroyed this enemy.
I thought you made a better way.
You spoke of resurrection, of new life,
of being with You.
But I am left here wondering why...*
Friends die,
Friends aren't healed,
why the system wins.
Why dreams never come to pass.
Why disappoint seems to hold the keys for each our lives?
Why am I drowning, when those around me have such bigger burdens to bear?

Spirit speak.
Move,
Breathe,
Change this very space.
These tattered bodies can't take much more.
Lazarus is in his tomb, Jesus tarry not much more.
I wish there was a formula,
a prayer we could say to see You in the ways we want.
Jesus, you know we are barely breathing.
God! Is breathe enough for you?
I never knew.

Our Father,
who are in Heaven and everywhere,
Holy, sacred, blessed is your name.
Your purpose, your justice, Your kingdom come,
Your will be done
Here in my life, on earth and everywhere
as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
The sustenance of life, bring forth in us this day.
Forgive my sins, my doubts, my failings,
as I too forgive those that fail, wrong and hurt me.
Lead me not into deception, temptation,
But deliver me from this evil, this distrust of You.
Amen.

*Check out Wondering by the Doodads and Don'ts (really check out their whole album Changing Your Habits as it played during this blog writing.)