Reminders of Failure

I keep a picture of a friend above my stove. I put her face there, hoping it would remind me to pray for her, to call her regularly, and keep up a friendship with her lost soul.

I set an alarm in my phone, that goes off everyday reminding me to pray for my best friend's daughter. I realized that while my friend may not change her life, her daughter is just beginning it so my daily prayer for her could change something.

Instead of praying after seeing my friend's face - I cringe and try to not look at the stove because of the depth of guilt I feel for not calling her.

Instead of stopping and praying at the alarm, I put it on snooze and forget. The next time I silence it, and feel guilty after a few days so I pray a quick prayer at some point in the day to make up for my slackerness.

I have a stack of books to the right of my futon, and a couple journals. There is dust on all of them.

The spiritual and practical 'to do list' is longer than the day, and as every evening comes I feel the weight of a day unfinished, tasks left undone.
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Ask any coworker, any boss, ask my parents, my friends, my husband, my daughter - follow through is my failure. Everyday I face mirrors of these failures - reminders of my shortcomings and the reflections are sometimes too much to handle.

Yet I am also reminded by how many times I am affirmed, how often people talk about my quality of work, compliment the job well done. It's funny - when you don't let words hurt you, they tend to not help you either. Or put another, more personal way - perhaps I don't lack confidence just in God like I always presumed, maybe I lack confidence in me too. If I think about it, the lack I see in me I project into God - assuming my shortcomings will be His and my failures restricting His success.

You can laugh at those ideas, but when one truly believes anything even the most twisted lie becomes truth.
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Maybe you're right
And I'm not as certain as I thought
Maybe I'm wrong
And it's not as bad as I saw
Maybe it's fine
And we need to begin to hear

Open these ears
To know the melodies of truth
Break open the skies
Letting the light mold our eyes
Catch the tears
Of the thousands unsaid prayers

Maybe we fell
And thought we'd never get up again
Maybe they failed
And broke our hearts in the process
Maybe our souls
can be mended to sing again

I am so self-absorbed
Self obsessed
Self sustained
A one person circus
A one man band
A one member Body
A self contained church

Yet we long for approval
For affirmation
For home
For a friend

We are all searching for acceptance
A safe haven to rest our hearts
Laying it all on the line with everyone else
I don't doubt it can happen
But sometimes wonder where it is

Maybe You're right
And it starts with love and obedience
Maybe I'm made right
Not a mistake needing to be something else
Maybe the person of Truth
Is waiting to make it all right again?

God break down these towers
The lies that You are not enough
That You are not able
That You don't want my best
Break my heart and let the waters flow 
Over the fields of rejection
Putting out the flames of fame & recognition
Let the waters flood these barren hearts
Then maybe healing will begin
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