That is what I am typically - demonstrative. There were many years I expressed myself unreserved, forgoing context and social timing. After several painful experiences I tried to reign in this 'outbursts' - I put that which I didn't hold to be demigods. Restraint. Social timing. Context. Expectation. The rules of propriety that I often saw manifest in my dad's side of the family - would slowly overtake most of my life.
I believe you can know restraint in a healthy manner. But I also know for those 'obsessive' personalities, those that live in all-or-nothing realities - balance is hard, and seems often impossible. Instead of being a balanced individual I became controlling, and hardened to the most intimate of relationships. I put social timing over the well-being of another; restraint over reaching out in love; context over fleshing out necessary wounds; expectation over everything else. Even as I type it is hard to not put some of those on a higher pedestal than the others.
Living as my own solitary individual would allow me more space for duality. But living in intimate community with others (family, church etc.) doesn't afford such individualistic luxuries.
My husband has often said that after we got married I changed. The young passionate spiritual lady he knew was lost - and another person came in her stead.
I could list the lengthy reasons why I think that changed.
I was 18, in a matter of a year I would live in two countries, 2 states, 4 homes, find out I was pregnant, have all my earthly possessions stolen (except two suitcases), enroll in college, move away from family, and spend 364 days with a man I knew barely over a year.
Those are just the external realities - not mentioning the deep, lengthy spiritual and emotional turbulence that would accompany all of those changes. Looking back I know those drastic changes would allow Phil and I to grow closer, to know our stuff and be able to withstand the less glorious years to come. We all change, but as a Christian we should be moving forward not reversing as it seemed to my husband I was doing.
I can honestly say now I am a much more whole person that I ever was before. I lived in a state of demoniac-like conflict - a mind that was constantly double-minded. I wrote in my journals that I just wanted to be okay, that I would hold onto hope that okay would come. I was spiritual, I prayed, felt an intimacy with the Lord; I wasn't as irritable, or easily frustrated - though I could have a temper. I struggled SO strongly with authority, and submission - to the point where none of those words were allowed in my vows. (A decision we still hold to, but would have liked to have a better motive than my authority issues.) But I loved the Lord; I felt that I knew Him. I could be in His presence so easily. Whether it was an age thing or a different season in life or something, regardless I find being with God is much harder now. I have to fight to not fall asleep, I don't feel Him like I used to. Often I feel He is a stranger that I trust but don't know.
I always wanted to be one of those prayer warriors, like from Kansas City's IHOP or one of those individuals that could feel Jesus. They acted as though He was their best friend - not in some cheesy literature but in a real and meaningful way. I always knew God - head knowledge. I loved diving into Scripture taking apart the Greek and Hebrew in my Strong's concordance, journaling my theories to which translation of the word was best. The Scriptures felt alive, I'd pray and a verse would fall into my hands and it spoke to me or those I loved beautifully. I read through the Bible several times, it wasn't a struggle, I enjoyed it. But at night the dark scared me, and sometimes I'd just have to say Jesus over and over to fight the lurking darkness I felt creep around the corners of my room. Thankfully I always had my trusty Labrador Bliss - she was my nighttime companion. Even as her black fur would ruin most of my furniture and carpet, having her near made the dark not quite as terrifying.
I think in the transition from singlehood to married life I made my spouse my everything. Phil unwittingly became my parents, my sisters, my puppy, my friend, my husband and my 'god' - a role no one could fill but I subliminally expected him too. When our sins manifested months into our marriage - unresolved anger issues, hurt and injury from family members, lack of self-control, self-worth issues - well that mirage of 'he would be my everything' slowly faded and bitterness took its place. I never planned on getting married, so I certainly didn't prepare for it, a couple sessions premarital counseling with my father-in-law helped see the vast differences but did little more. I don't think it could have. I was stubborn - we knew we wanted to get married and our parents did the best thing they could: offer as much support as possible, challenging us, helping us and blessing us (I know they must have been praying too).
Not everyone has a crisis of faith because of marriage - I certainly did. My husband wasn't the embodiment that I knew he could be. The vision of the future-Phil was not lived in the present and I resented him for it. But really it was me - I didn't know how to work God into my life anymore. If I didn't desperately need Him, well then how did He fit? If I was finally okay, but not happy where does that leave God and I?
I am a good person. As people go I try hard to care, work hard, serve, give and be the light. Internally I have struggled to share my heart. I was such a demonstrative person, and with it I was injured. In turn I took my spiritual side and hide it in a closet in the basement of my heart. No one could know my struggles - even God wasn't always privy. I often felt like the prodigal son, I wanted to make myself clean, good and presentable before going to God. But we all know this world has us stained, and only the washing of the blood and the constant foot washing will cleanse us from the dirt - both of which require coming to the Son first not after.
I say all that to say this - remember who you are. God formed you, molded you and knew you long before the world did. I think of some of my sisters who has lived two decades hearing their identity told to them rather than given to them by the King. I remember my husband whose sense of spirituality often felt misunderstood, his strong empathetic and discerning nature often judged by those who didn't understand. I don't know what you've molded yourself to now - if you are like me after so many chameleon changes it's hard to remember what we were before. But I know this, don't give up. It's hard, it's uncomfortable and the timing is not what we'd want - but the you that God made is there somewhere inside. We have to run to the Father in order to know ourselves. Sometimes it's sitting in silence, others it’s breaking the wall through songs and shouts, it is writing, it is reading, it is communing and getting to know God. There is no formula; rather it is an experiment and a constant change that allows us to know the parts of this magnificent God who calls us daughters and sons. He isn't a mystery to avoid relationship - He enters into relationship to let us partake in the mystery. When this mundane world comes tightly in and you feel your spirit suffocating - let go of the molds you have made, let God reveal who you are through who He is. Like a wonderful pastor and author recently wrote - find that moment where you were you before the cares and fears of this world trampled on you.* For him it was riding a bicycle as child where his imaginative could run free and his spirits held no burden, for many others it’s in a relationship, an outside adventure, a single moment or a continues occasion. Regardless of when or how - let God form you into who you really are. Be demonstrative with God - express yourself unreservedly and He will meet you.
You have been and You will be
You have seen and You will see
You know when I rise and when I fall
When I come or go You see it all
You hung the stars and you move the sea, and still You know me
Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh You know me (repeat)
Nothing is hidden from Your sight Wherever I go, You find me
You know every detail of my life You are God and You
don't miss a thing
You memorize me
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