Hearing Rightly

Five minutes into Dr. Chris Green's sermon about Becoming Christ's Body and I am convicted. While the sermon is focused on the community, I heard it yelling to me about hearing God -

"Just because we heard God, doesn't mean we hear rightly."

Dr. Green uses the example of Peter telling Jesus that 'God forbid the Messiah should be crucified'. While Peter was right since Jesus was the Messiah, he had his own imaginations interpreting the truth being spoken.

A couple months ago I heard the word "pastor" rolling around in my heart. Before I heard that word I was at a crossroads, an impasse in my call - I was finishing my first masters (in business of all things) and I didn't know where to go next. I was afraid of the darkness, the ambiguity of the spring - I needed hope, a purpose, a call.

I sought direction from my friends; they said wait. I went to lunches with elders; they said wait. But I knew I couldn't wait, especially being wasn't in my vocabulary. I am a doer; worth, reality and purpose are defined by what I accomplish. I couldn't simply live for the sake of living - I needed a step, a "to-do" list, I needed something more. In my desperation I attempted to put my purposes in "church" work, finding myself depressed after church on Sunday, and upset with the leadership because of how I felt. In response, I went to my pastor's office (which I talk more about in last month's reflection) and ended up crying in my desperation to be used, to give all I had to a mission, a purpose. Rather than taking advantage of my desire to do, or giving a quick fix - he asked me to meet with him and seek the Lord's will in my life.

It was shortly thereafter the word pastor began to roll around. When I confessed that desire, I was reaffirmed - beautifully so, my husband and by my pastor (even eventually by my Covenant Life Group). I felt I had found my purpose, my goal; my reason for living was on track again. You see, since I was 7 or 8 I've defined my entire being by the call. God's hand on my life, His mission purposed in my being was all I lived for, it was my entirety. But as time went on - marriage, birth, debt, school, and work - I lost that, my planned purpose of missionary had evolved to the point of not being there anymore. Stuck, but seeing the evidence of the Lord's work in maturing me, I wanted to find purpose again - preferably in a ministry label.

I don't think I can describe what it is like when you feel made for something. You can be born for it, formed for it, but the undertow of being made for a singular purpose is wrecking. Reading about a famous musician the other day they were told to not pursue music "because they wanted to, but because they had to". As an infant I was dedicated to the church and as the heavens opened my grandfather had a prophetic word saying I was being called to the Church of England - my parents stood in agreement. I wouldn't personally hear the call till I was 8, but even before then I remember intimately being aware of our Creator. He was there in the trees as I played with bugs; He was there in the dances of hallelujahs with my sisters. His hand held us as our car would teeter over the mountain's edge; He was there when my life would be opened to sin and stayed with me even in my darkest nights. It was in a church service where I felt called to be a missionary, and my mom would encourage me that I could be bi-vocational: a vet and a missionary. I bought books about Kenya, attempted to learn Swahili; history was my addiction, stories of missionaries and culture was my dream. Even in my playing pretend, my heart knew I had a purpose. In the nights that my sin would corrupt my soul, I would desire for my life to be gone but I knew God would restore me someday because I was called. A child not even yet a teen, I would hope I'd be preserved to live out this call.

Some of my happiest and most devastating moments have happened within the four walls of a local congregation. Moments of deep satisfaction and painful back-stabs have happened in the community of Christ. My husband is similar in his sentiment towards the Church - being born the son of a pastor he was always held within the arms of the Mother that is the Church. If the Old Testament Levitical order was still in existence today, my in-laws would have a quiverful of priests - as each of their sons are pursuing ministry. They are sons of the priesthood, and you can feel that radiating from my husband. He bears the burden of any congregation he attends, feels the spiritual journey as he looks around to the people. As a child he would feel that church was home, using the building for his own fun, and always being "in the know" about all of its activities. He was special, because he was the pastor's son - he was watched over, included, and church was a part of him. Then in the decision to marry me, move away, and pursue a different tradition, the local church no longer felt like home but a place of seclusion, and misunderstanding.

See I pursued the church, and my husband was often pursued by the church. I worked to earn my place in the Temple of God; my husband was born into the right. 

Oh God has a sense of humor, if in no other way than our strange combination! To some it may not seem like a big deal, but over 60% of our disagreements, 70% of our tears have been over this difference between us. But yet it is also our common bond - the Church, the ministry, the advancing of Christ's Kingdom is what has held us together, thrusting us forward towards the Spirit's call.

So "pastor" rolled around in my heart, and I assumed its meaning. I heard truth, and interpreted its meaning through my own imaginations. Thank you Dr. Green, for pointing that out - my husband had been trying for weeks to tell me that same thing, but I needed to hear it again for it to stick. I am called; I know that, I feel that; in some immature way I desperately need that feeling of calling. Till now my life has in so many ways depended on the way I heard and interpreted truth - but I want to hear the truth God spoke, interpreting through His imaginations, through His purposes. I believe this is done in community; it is accomplished in relationship with Yahweh, and with all the sons and daughters of God. My call cannot be separated from the Body, and I trust that the Spirit will guide me, speak to me and to those around me as we move forward into understanding the Person of Truth.

Thus this is my prayer: to trust in the Spirit to speak this call, rather than assume its form.