A rant

What do I say....
Are there words adequate enough to express this turbulence? How life wasn't what I expected and I'm still gaining my sea legs. How we lose touch with each other, though we swore we'd never. How our daily talks are more like monthly phone tags. How it all seems to be crashing like the waves on the shore because family doesn't fit or work like I'd always seen. Perhaps I was blind then, I fear I'm blind now - will I ever see?
God do you even matter? What do you change? Do You make a difference? Because sometimes I wonder. Today when I'm angry, I doubt Your touch means anything at all. I know that it's foolish. And the night before I felt Your hand. But today's darkness blinds me.

God.
God.
God.
Each utterance of who You are speaks another part of who You are. Please change me. I know in my head, I need to know in all my being. In my veins, my heart, my voice, my spirit, my very core must reflect You.

My mom.
My dad.
My daughter.
My husband.
My sisters.
My brothers.
My in-laws.
My friends.

These, these chosen few that you've brought in my life and me into theirs - awaken me to be grace, to be light, to be Truth. Because honestly I suck. I suck the life rather than breathing life in. So help me God. I don't understand. I don't even know what to ask, but I'm wrong and You're the only one who is completely right so change me.