I don't know

It's been a while.
A lot has happened.
A lot has stayed the same.

But a question keeps rumbling through, echoing throughout my mind and now my heart.
Life..

My second cousin on my mom's side recently posted on Facebook talking about her postponed surgery. She is in the process of removing those body parts that mark her as female, soon she will be a he. The distance of transgender faith is no longer far, but within grasp of my finger tips. Far enough still I could ignore it, yet close enough that it will haunt my prayers.

Three or so years ago two girls came into my office to applying for work. They interviewed well, and seemed reliable - so we offered them jobs. As they left my office my boss looked at me and said - they are definitely homosexual. She said it so matter of fact, I was a bit taken aback - but only a bit,, while I loved this woman she was loud and was prone to speaking her thoughts. Her own adopted mother was a lesbian so I knew her acceptance of homosexuality was there. Still as an active Christian it surprised me to hear her label someone as such. Here I am three years later, and one of those ladies still work for me. She's gone through a lot. A year ago I had to have a write-up with another employee who was discriminating and harassing her because of her sexuality and faith. She had left our company to work for another and had moved in with a more steady partner. She had attempted to get married in Chicago only to hit roadblocks. Her wife's grandfather who had become a dad to both of them passed away a few months later. They both had been trying to get pregnant and finally she was expecting. I believe she was two weeks away from her second trimester - and then she lost the baby.

All of a sudden my guard, my standoffish stance was down. Here a woman, just as much a woman as I - was experiencing one of the most painful losses a woman can - the sudden loss of a life so longed for. See this woman is active in her church, helps lead worship, and is active with helping the poor. But unfortunately she stinks as an employee - her health and life situation causes her to be late, or absent almost every other day. Her faith has caused wrestling and annoyance in my personal life, and her work has caused disturbance and instability in my job. To be honest she has been more a thorn in my side than someone I would speak positively for. It was only a week ago when I was shown by the Lord and others that I had been standoffish to her, that I was treating her less than others - and I was convicted and repented, asking the Lord to help me because I had no idea what to do.

Today when I got her message, my heart swelled, and it keeps swelling as I think about her. Life - no matter how different, or contradictory - is a gift from God, a reminder of the imago Dei we each hold. I want to Google how to help her. I want to read the right article to make sense of her loss, to know how to speak the truth of what I believe to her, to understand how she believes what she does so I may have grace. But I find my questions crude and unrefined. I want to solve the insolvable. To resolve that which is not resolvable, to just have the answer so I don't have to wait in the ambiguity.

Oh how many times have we jumped to an answer, rushed to a conclusion, grasped onto a fragment of truth to avoid this mire? To avoid the waiting, the seeing, the being with that which we can't see or know? I have so often offered resolutions, given answers and helped fixed situations for my friends and family - sometimes with the Spirit and often without simply because it hurts sitting here.On the border of tears, and the verge of crying out - Abba, Abba, why have you forsaken me?

I remember a sermon, or conversation once with my pastors. They talked about the significance of just being with others in their loss. It wasn't something they had always known, but instead was something learned through an experience where the loss was without words. They came to the home or hospital of the loved ones, and truly had no words. The pastors felt inadequate, insignificant even and they left feeling like they did nothing to help. In the following days and weeks the family would tell them that their presence was healing, that they felt the Spirit's comfort in their being there. There were no answers, to resolutions, no cheap tricks to solve the overwhelming grief they were experiencing - there was simply the Spirit working through human flesh, touches from God through man's fingertips.

What would the Body look like if we stopped giving answers, quit manufacturing results and just sat in the room, representing the Spirit in the midst of pain and loss? What if my judgement could be left at the altar, and the bread and wine truly transform this feeble flesh into Christ's love? I am not saying we don't act, I am not advocating silence - but I am asking, what if we would just be the Body? Be the life that Jesus gave, rather than just speak of it.

I know I am one of thousands, if not millions of voices saying this same thing. Asking the Church - the holy, catholic church of Christ, what if? But truly, this question starts in my own heart, what would my faith look like in my job, in my home, in my school and in my church if I truly believed that Spirit goes with me? What if the atmosphere can change with my obedience?

Forgive this feeble flesh.
Redeem this lost soul.
How often I have left You.
Assuming You had to be restrained.
Fearing You must be absent from here.
Oh Father, I don't know,
Abba forgive me.
Give me strength to hear.
I believe, help my unbelief to follow You.