Me

One of my favorite movies of my youth had to be Princess Diaries. The odd, quirky teen meeting her royal grandmother and takes "princess" lessons much to her dismay. My grandmother was a San Franciscan debutante from the mid 30s, her single mother worked multiple jobs to provide her that access into society and it paid off when she'd marry my grandfather, the son of a prestigious dental family in Santa Cruz. My only memory of my grandfather was him making me sit at another table at a nice restaurant when I used my hand to get a piece of ice rather than a spoon - I was three. My grandmother and I would become very close and she'd often call me her favorite, but that relationship wasn't without consistent comments, decorum checks, and manners analysis. Unfortunately when Princess Diaries  came out I had started my teenage "I don't care about you, I'm drowning in my teenage depression" phase. By the time I'd get out of that, she'd be gone and I'd be here wishing I could take back that "me" phase.

There is a scene towards the end of the film, where Mia gives her speech. Everyone is expecting her to turn down the crown, but when she gets up - disheveled by the rain and running to get there - something else happens entirely. She talks about how many times she talks about "i", how every thought she has is for herself and what would happen if she took that towards the other, towards the people of Genovia. Her speech is clumsy, and in classic teenager fashion she goes down too many rabbit trails, but the point is made - what difference can I  make if I'm not just about me?

When I sat down to write this morning this scene played in my head. The awkward stumbling over words, the sincere determination in her act, and the warm approval found in the faces of those that loved her. I've lived pretty well in a "me" state, where even in the good acts for the other the thought of "me" flood them. To think of yourself is not a sin in itself, but when your loving others in the confines of what fits you, how it makes you feel, and how it affects you - then yes the second greatest commandment can not be fulfilled and you are walking in sin. I've been walking in good intentioned sin for so long. Cutting  off those parts that are hard to deal with, minimizing the memories, and holding onto what feels good to me. Like an addict facing the scope of their drugs affect, but uncertain of the ability to quit or not even sure if they truly want to - so to I sit here, pondering what the other side looks like, what does dying to myself really mean in the daily grind of parenthood, of marriage, of work, of family, of life? Is the cost worth the prize?

I think it's like the prodigal, for all the times he didn't come back - perhaps it was the uncertainty of what it would like that kept him away. Thus it wasn't until the circumstances were passed the point of any good thing, that the decision to go home was able to happen because nothing worse could happen. If wasn't a change in his heart that caused him to go home, not a sudden realization of the goodness of his Father, no it was that the circumstances could not get more dire, so would not his father care for him at least as poorly as these strangers. This is the view that keeps us away from the Lord, this is the posture of our hearts that prevent us from seeing the goodness of our Father. He is a foreboding deity, a righteous king, who's much like us demanding for us to be clean before entering into his gates. And we stand outside the Holy of holies, scrubbing the stains on our skin, trying to cover the wounds across our bodies, so that we may enter. But the water is as mud, and the soap a dye so permanent we can never scrub hard enough to rid us of its mark. Thus we stand outside the throne room, longing to go inside but believing only our clean hearts will be welcomed. But the king sits inside, awaiting in anxious excitement for his children. He sent out messengers for them to come as they are. As they don't arrive the King himself goes out, but in more  common clothes as to prevent shock, but his children don't recognize his face, and they spit at his declaration to come ad they are. He sees their scrubbing and offers them clean pools of Holy light in which they could bath and be made pure. But they sit in the mud, scrubbing with no end in sight - outside the gates....

For many years this is how I envisioned the Lord. He is a good king for He invited me to his home, but I must make myself good to go before him. I had to scrub off the dirt, and sometimes or even often times it seemed to work. But it would take days, or even weeks before I'd enter I to His presence when He would've taken me just as I am, right then. In recent years instead if looking at my own dirt, I've restricted His grace, limited His reach and said "he can not take me here, he can not wipe away these sins, they are the death of me." It's amazing how when you believe something how much the world seems to change to fit that belief, hence my worldview became one of action, and little space for a Spirit's move. It was one of consequence, and grace was only for the internal sins, not those worldly vices like money.

Perhaps then we are doomed to live bound by the chains we put on ourselves, to drown in the mud we swore was healing water... We can put on blinders so tight than even light cannot enter in. But that presumes a passive God, a Spirit that cannot reach, a Son whose sacrifice could only go so far. Yes I can ignore the Light, I can deny the flame in front of my eyes but that doesn't stop the Lord from being present. My denial does not restrict the I Am, so He is so much more than I.

Lord help me to see you.
To take down that which blocks me from you.
To not fear the unknown for you are ever present, and we are not alone.
Abba, good Father, intimate King, forgive this foolish girl.
Pride, fear, strength, and control are my vices, that which I hold so dear.
Manipulation, rebellion, anger and hate these are the monsters that have taken up room in my heart.
Righteous warrior, serving soldier, daughter of grace, and of joy, these are my names and I claim them.
Spirit convict in me Truth righteousness, love and sacrifice. Help me to love because You loved first, not for my own gain.
Forgive me Father for I have sinned, cleanse my lips, purge my broken sight and make me new, precious Jesus.