Pause - a song

I don't know if you realized what you had done.
Uncertain if it was all my fault;
Laying here desperate, seeking a plan.
Not knowing where to run.

If this is the end,
Let it come quickly.
If this is rebirth,
please let it pass.
If this is transition,
God give us mercy
I'm not certain if we will last.

Are you a product of the restrictions long ago.
Have you been formed into what you don't know.
Has the world forgotten, or did they ever see.
The beautiful one I have in front of me.

If this is the end,
Let it come quickly.
If this is rebirth,
please let is pass.
If this is transition,
God give us mercy
I'm not certain if we will last.

Please stop the noise,
Quit pretending you know.
Look there is broken body on the floor.
And as we all walk simply on by,
making comments of appearance,
they'll slowly die.

Precious Jesus,
Don't make this the end,
Let love come quickly instead.
In this new birth,
please make us whole.
Dear Lord, During transition
Please give us Your mercy
As without it I know we won't last.

Waiting with you

My husband would describe me as a loner. Now for anyone who knows me they'd see this and laugh - probably aloud. I am a people person, an extrovert among extroverts. However Phil would probably be right in this definition of me - I do things alone, the world is on my shoulders and mine alone. When I can't bear its weight anymore I come running to the ones closest to me - but I still have to run to them, they are not within my grasp. I see this lived out in the lack of weight words carry. You can send shooting arrows of fiery insults and unless you are chosen one or two, or use specifically curtailed words - you won't pierce my armor. Mind you this 'superpower' is not only for insults - it started as such, but eventually after years of building up one's armor even the tenderest of love poems will merely bounce of its steely structure.

Not being affected by words also makes it hard to discern the weight of your own words. If I am not hurt by such and such then well neither will you be. If compliments give little weight, then why would I waste my words applauding your good works.

If you think about it - an armor against words leaves one incredibly susceptible to being alone; entirely, explicitly alone. Yet the knight in the armor of titanium has a heart, even if it is hidden from others and at times himself.

"A man can keep his sanity and stay alive as long as at least one person is waiting for him." (Henri Nouwen)

God knew this about me, and brought me a spouse - a gentle warrior to fight that knight within in me and not give up. However unlike Sleeping Beauty he can not save me while I lay in a passive posture awaiting rescue.  Instead the rescue is much like the scene from the Voyage of the Dawn Treader when Aslan pulls the scales off of Eustace. It is only after he has given up his selfishness doing all he can to help the others without any guarantee of restoration. The knight in titanium armor can only be saved when willing to let go of its armor, willing to be put the other first, willing to let another help - which demands the knight to know and state their lack.

And I know you're here
Cause I need you here
Sometimes it's hard to say
That you're more than enough

And I've made mistakes
Took things I should not take
Said things I should not say
While you gave more than
Enough for me

My heart's been ripped wide open
By all the things I do not need
And your heart's been
Ripped wide open
As I keep chasing other things

My love don't run I want you
Wait here I'll come for you
My love don't hide I'll find you
Wait here I'll come for you

Sometimes it's hard to say
That you're more than enough

Moments before...

Jeremiah 6

"For from the least to the greatest of them,

    everyone is greedy for unjust gain;

and from prophet to priest,

    everyone deals falsely.

They have treated the wound of my people carelessly,

    saying, “Peace, peace,”

    when there is no peace.

They acted shamefully, they committed abomination;

    yet they were not ashamed,

    they did not know how to blush....

Thus says the Lord:

stand at the crossroads, and look,

    and ask for the ancient paths,

where the good way lies; and walk in it,

    and find rest for your souls.

But they said, “We will not walk in it.”

The prophets in the Bible are full of beautiful and painful reminders of the just God we serve. For those that have been wronged - our hearts leap at the beauty of justice. For those of us that have acted unjustly, causing harm or acting wrong - at the sound of justice our heart leaps as well, but for fear of consequence. Jeremiah - the weeping prophet, saw these reactions unfold before him as he looked out to Israel. Being the son of a priest, he would have had intimate knowledge of the ways of Israel and he would soon know by way of relationship the consequence of Israel's injustice. Yet God saw a man who would hear, whose eyes were open and used him as a vessel of His word. 

Be honest.

Be true.

Treat each other with intense care - like a mother to her child.

Don't paint a peace that is not there.

Let us blush at our sins.

When God speaks, listen.

The roads of obedience may be unfamiliar, and ancient.

Yet in obedience we find rest.

Today I was struggling with the future. Wondering if God would speak. I have a calm assurance in the deepest hidden parts of my heart. I know He will guide me, though it will not be flashy and the path will be rough, I know He will lead. This text in Jeremiah is powerful reminder that as we stand at the crossroads, we should ask not just look at its diverge. He will show us where the good way lies, and if we walk in it we will find rest for our souls. Oh the beauty of resting in our Creator.... It is a peace beyond understanding, a rejuvenation that cannot be understood by human standards. Lord help us to be willing to walk the ancient paths that bring us to You.

Commune unity

I love the word community. The simple idea of communing with unity is just enticing. Even in its messes and broken pieces community lies deep within my desires. It's hard though, building community. Familial community can often be the easiest to relate to and for the fortunate few it can offer real intimate relationships that are accepting, healthy and loving. Many community's require enrollment in certain groups, clubs, ideologies, or the like to gain acceptance. Religions also typically offer this, but often with a holistic commitment of the persons entirety not just a part. (Family can ask the same.) The hard thing I've encountered with community outside the familial circles is the time, commitment and trust that must be built in order to achieve intimate community.

I am on who attempts instant intimacy. Let's dive deep, throwing ourselves into the waters of relationship. If we don't know how to swim, well we may drown but at least we didn't live superficially in the wading pool. Honestly its worked fairly well. I can give a few examples of relationships I have built where in  a few short months I integrated myself into their life in such a way that one couldn't figure out how I got to be so close to them. Yet those same relationships didn't always end in the most loving of ways. Very often they ended with words being said that showed that the other truly didn't know who I was. Perhaps it was the morphing to be in their life that left it where my identity and who I was was forgotten even by me. That at the point where my values, hopes and dreams surfaced the community I had morphed into couldn't relate or understand. 

I have fought this obsessive battle many times since my adolescence. I joke that I stalk people - but honestly with the creation of social media keeping tabs on certain individuals has never become easier. While the desire for community is healthy and right the means into which one participates in community can decide whether it is a right thing. 

I lay my pride at the altar

crying out all it's pains

But when the music over

I pick it up all over again

My desires, obsessions,

Every thought in my head

runs over and over

with thoughts of me instead

No consideration,

No thought of you,

In my desperation

I might seek the truth

But in my limelight

I pretend to be someone else

Could You take all I am?

Forming me in Your lovely hands.

My desires and longings,

You know their deepest parts.

The whispers and shouting,

attempting to speak what I don't know.

Intimacy

community

All I see is Your hand in mine

Trinity

Unity

All I want is to be a part.

Strip away my facade,

give me strength to leave my pride

at the altar, at the altar....

And I will be 

made new

And I will be

a part of You

I rest, I rest, I rest in You

I will rest, I will rest, I will rest in Your truth

I will rest in the knowledge of Your Word

I will rest in the promise of Your Body

Community

I want to be intimate with you

Not for my own gain

But for the glory of His name

Hallelujah,

He is faithful, He is faithful, He is the faithful to the end

He is faithful, He is faithful, He is the faithful my Friend

Hallelujah I will never walk alone.

Hallelujah, Hallelujah I will never walk alone.

Amen. 

Neither Wrong nor Right

I have long struggled with gender identity. Really for that matter I've always struggled with others defining my identity. Since gender is often the most typical and often the first 'box' our identity fits into, it has been the area I have fought with the longest. Yet God has been bringing this issue up consistently for the last couple of months. I have lashed out in response to His moving, as I don't appreciate being told what to do (even by God, and yes I know I still have rebellion and trust issues). I don't believe I am wrong, but if my heart hurts this bad on this issue I am certainly not right either.

Last night in one of many discussion with my husband, he told me "Traci, you are not wrong or right - you are wounded." My wounds make it hard to see or hear right and wrong discussions in the area of gender.

I am a music person - songs play through my end like an endless radio. Often though certain snippets of songs play on a very long repeat. There are two songs that have played in my head lately:

You lead me and keep me from falling
You carry me close to Your heart
And surely Your goodness
And mercy will follow me, will follow me

(Chris Tomlin "All the Way My Savior Leads Me")

So roll over me
I'll just sink down, I'll just sink down
To the bottom of the sea
I'll just be here, I'll just be here

The cannons have fired
They call my name
I know that I'll lose
And I'll go just the same

And I'll take all the blows
(The cannons have fired)
Cause they hit one by one
(They call me name)
Even if I'm afraid
(I know that I'll lose)
I'm not gonna run
(And I'll go just the same)

(Autumn Film "Roll Over Me")

While the latter song deals with loss, they both tend to relate to the inner struggles and even the relationship I have with God.

I don't want to be wounded,
blood gushing on the floor.
I don't want to be broken,
Unable to get out the door.
I don't want to be told,
of who I am by anyone but You.

So speak life, and I'll live.
Speak joy, and I'll dance.
Speak love, and I will lay down my life and my pride.
Speak purpose, and I'll lay down mine.

Your wounds had not conquered You.
They showed the places,
You had come from.
The cross, the grave, even Sheol,
Could not hold You.
You were broken but made whole.
You knew who You were,
no one could say otherwise.

You spoke life, and the dead arose.
You spoke wholly, and the lame could walk.
You spoke love, and You laid down Your life.
Its Your purpose that I long for.

No power of death,
No scheme of man,
No lies for Sheol,
Will change who I am.
You made me,
You formed me,
You know me,
and You love me.
So I will trust,
that You know the way.
I will trust You know why I've been made who I am.

But I will lay down,
my expectations.
My restrictions I take to the cross.
My rules, my will, my mold I give,
to the One who is, the I AM. 

I don't believe we are to live confined in a box of gender, of race, of locality, of anything. We have been set free as sons and daughters of Christ. But on the flipside we can not take our freedom and simply create a new box of our identity - being formed into our own image and defining our own reality. We are citizens of a new Kingdom, daughters and sons of a new order, we live in the tension of already-not yet. Thus we should reflect beautifully the identity that God our Father has given us - discovering His love and purposes for us. The moment we put ourselves into a 'free for all' type identity we have as quickly voided the purposes God has created us to be, as when we live blindly by the stereotypes the world has given us to live by. We are all beautiful and wonderfully made - let us discover what that means through the dance of relationship with the Holy Trinity.