Neither Wrong nor Right

I have long struggled with gender identity. Really for that matter I've always struggled with others defining my identity. Since gender is often the most typical and often the first 'box' our identity fits into, it has been the area I have fought with the longest. Yet God has been bringing this issue up consistently for the last couple of months. I have lashed out in response to His moving, as I don't appreciate being told what to do (even by God, and yes I know I still have rebellion and trust issues). I don't believe I am wrong, but if my heart hurts this bad on this issue I am certainly not right either.

Last night in one of many discussion with my husband, he told me "Traci, you are not wrong or right - you are wounded." My wounds make it hard to see or hear right and wrong discussions in the area of gender.

I am a music person - songs play through my end like an endless radio. Often though certain snippets of songs play on a very long repeat. There are two songs that have played in my head lately:

You lead me and keep me from falling
You carry me close to Your heart
And surely Your goodness
And mercy will follow me, will follow me

(Chris Tomlin "All the Way My Savior Leads Me")

So roll over me
I'll just sink down, I'll just sink down
To the bottom of the sea
I'll just be here, I'll just be here

The cannons have fired
They call my name
I know that I'll lose
And I'll go just the same

And I'll take all the blows
(The cannons have fired)
Cause they hit one by one
(They call me name)
Even if I'm afraid
(I know that I'll lose)
I'm not gonna run
(And I'll go just the same)

(Autumn Film "Roll Over Me")

While the latter song deals with loss, they both tend to relate to the inner struggles and even the relationship I have with God.

I don't want to be wounded,
blood gushing on the floor.
I don't want to be broken,
Unable to get out the door.
I don't want to be told,
of who I am by anyone but You.

So speak life, and I'll live.
Speak joy, and I'll dance.
Speak love, and I will lay down my life and my pride.
Speak purpose, and I'll lay down mine.

Your wounds had not conquered You.
They showed the places,
You had come from.
The cross, the grave, even Sheol,
Could not hold You.
You were broken but made whole.
You knew who You were,
no one could say otherwise.

You spoke life, and the dead arose.
You spoke wholly, and the lame could walk.
You spoke love, and You laid down Your life.
Its Your purpose that I long for.

No power of death,
No scheme of man,
No lies for Sheol,
Will change who I am.
You made me,
You formed me,
You know me,
and You love me.
So I will trust,
that You know the way.
I will trust You know why I've been made who I am.

But I will lay down,
my expectations.
My restrictions I take to the cross.
My rules, my will, my mold I give,
to the One who is, the I AM. 

I don't believe we are to live confined in a box of gender, of race, of locality, of anything. We have been set free as sons and daughters of Christ. But on the flipside we can not take our freedom and simply create a new box of our identity - being formed into our own image and defining our own reality. We are citizens of a new Kingdom, daughters and sons of a new order, we live in the tension of already-not yet. Thus we should reflect beautifully the identity that God our Father has given us - discovering His love and purposes for us. The moment we put ourselves into a 'free for all' type identity we have as quickly voided the purposes God has created us to be, as when we live blindly by the stereotypes the world has given us to live by. We are all beautiful and wonderfully made - let us discover what that means through the dance of relationship with the Holy Trinity.