My Journey to the Promise Land - Circumcision.

Could it be?
This freedom you mention, is it accessible to me?
My body is worn and my heart torn.
Yet you say there is freedom in His name.

I was baptized by water, a sprinkle to show my parents love.
The heavens spoke, claiming all I am.
Years would run by, and I a child would run 'round as well.

I was overcome by the Holy Ghost, in an ordinary service.
With laughter & tears, God was near.
At the tender age of seven, the world was beginning to grow.

I was exposed, a darkness that would taint my very soul,
The enemy would try to consume all I was.
I'd be baptized again, this my choice in the waters of the Church.

I would sin, but what does a child know of fallen man?
Lies, confusion, and yet God would speak.
The Spirit would whisper, and carry me in the night terrors.

I was submerged in the Holy waters a time or two again,
to be certain of my Salvation to His Hand.
As a adolescence what does one know of certainty or trust?

I sat in the seats, wishing for my death, as I was dead inside.
The worship team playing, youth singin' along.
Yet the Holy Spirit came, baptizing me in fire, speaking a new tongue.

You spoke, so very often I could hear You speak.
My soul would fight, my very sin arguing with ihe Holy One.
The conflict in the mornings, and through the nights.
I doubted I would ever be whole, and longed for okay.
Yet You were so very present, wrapping me in Your Wings.
Speaking Your heart to me, and I speaking Yours to others.
We walked together, and I knew I was not alone.
But sin consumed me, and death was ever knocking.

I don't know when it was, when the storm subsided, and I'd breathe.
Was it in the morning, the night or a season?
There was certainty in my voice, a confidence in my stance.

I was a wife now, a mother too, a student, a worker, a daughter.
The many hats required a new type of strength.
So even in my lack of asking, the Spirit descended making me new.

I was strong enough, I was good enough now. I was all about me.
I would serve, I would work, I would love.
I knew enough, I was brave enough, I could make my dreams happen.

I built barracks around this heart. Declaring the walls fortified with faith.
But they were absent from a living God.
Rather it was a dead idol, a false image of God that I served.

I responded to Your call, in a Lenten night, You would speak.
In the mornings I would discover You.
The Spirit of God, a wind whirling around making my walls fall down.

I am back where I was before. Yet lacking faith, and so unsure.
After many years, I don't know my Father's voice.
The Spirit's whisper meshed within my own, and the uncertainty is back.

But You speak, and I can know.
At least that's what the pastor said.
That as I make myself vulnerable, You would circumcise my heart.
That the fight doesn't have to kill me,
In fact it doesn't have to live inside.

If this is true Spirit - I want it.
If it can be Father - please take me.
If this is true brother Jesus - show me the way.
Because I can't follow You, and follow me.
I can't love myself the most, and make space for You.
Because You demand everything, and all I am.
So come.
Oh please, please, come.
Circumcise this heart, I am renewing my covenant with You.
Teach me Your whisper again,
Let me trust my Father's voice,
and I will swim in these Holy Waters till my dying breath.