Waters of gold I have drunk

Let Me speak who you are.
Stop searching for the voices,
The masses reassurance;
For the quiet leader's affirmation.
Seek Me, let Me speak life.

For I know you.
Your innermost parts are known by Me.
I can equip you.
I can call you.
Stop seeking the calf, the mediator between us.
Stop putting forth your "Moses",
Don't stop at the foot of this mountain.
I have called you to know Me.
To seek Me, to love Me.
Not My representation,
Not only My Body,
Not an idol you've formed in your pain.
I have called you to know Me.
Not as a fact, but true yada.
For I am the I am,
The inexpressible
The unknowable
The mysterious ever reaching God.
But I am not unreachable,
Nor am I unavailable.
I am present in your restlessness,
I am here in your silence,
In your movement I reside still.

Lay down your idols,
Quit finding My replacement.
Don't stop at the foot of this mount.
Come up my child.
In the waiting, don't fall asleep.
In the waiting, don't give up.
I am preparing a place for you.
It is here with Me.
Wait, and you will see Me.

---------------
Oh, I am afraid.
You are a mighty and terrible God.
Your love is not contained, and Your beauty wholly other.
How can I know a God so holy?
How can I trust a man, a Spirit, a God, who is three in one?
Father, Brother, Sister, Mother:
You are.

I hear Your beckon and it frightens me.
It shakes my very core and I am frozen.
You speak, and I turn.
It's hard.
It's unbecoming.
All consuming.
I can't speak what I do not know.
Yet You call me to open my mouth.

I am sick in anxiety.
The nights no longer bring peace.
The precious lay waste at the war inside.
So arrest me Lord.
Capture all I am, and call me to holiness.
Sanctify these burning embers of shame.
Make clean these whitewashed tombs.
I will seek You.
Though I barely know You.
I will go up the mountain,
into the fire, the glory, the unseen.
I will not make these idols again,
the calf has melted away into the waters I have drank.
In this waiting help me not slumber through,
ignoring the call to wait here with You.
Let me not take my sword and cut,
blinded by my own insecure truths.
I will run into You.
We can never go back.
I can't get away from You.
Don't let me go.
For I am nothing without You.
All I am is found in You,
All the good I do is only from You.
All I seek is known in You.
All I am made for is in You, Your Body, Your Heart, Your creation.
Into Your glory I will go.

A Moment of Honesty

There may be a vacuum, a hole left.
There may be avoidance, & denial.
Perhaps there may be liberty, like a bird set free from its cage...

Only God can answer, and the wrestling is deep enough to leave me hanging in desperate please of other's approval. I'm floundering and I can't stand. The depth is consuming, and anger spills over spewing loathing fire all over.
I know this isn't good. I know this isn't right. But I can't even express what IT IS let alone speak it rightly.

Ignore, distract, run, and it'll all be okay.
Face, stand, be and I don't know if it will.

Can I sit here in the silence?
Or do I let the noise take over and busy my hands with the work of man?

Only You know.
Only You see.
So Holy Spirit....
Come.

Praying in songs

I don't handle silence well. I never have. I've gotten better at stillness and silence as an adult but only because if the necessity of it as a spiritual discipline. Trust me if God didn't show up in the silence I wouldn't go there!

In prayer this gets odd in corporate settings. If I'm silent my mind runs a million miles. If I talk i sound a bit like a mad man. Normally I write or sing my prayers to God as way to keep focused. Until recently the singing of my prayers felt too intimate to have in corporate settings. But I've found the last 6 weeks God has called me to sing over people, to sing my prayers to His throne, and to confess my own self through song.

At our weekly prayer and praise at Church I felt compelled to combine the two. I wrote and sung simultaneous. This is the result. (note I've done no editing since I originally sung/prayed this.)

Help us be transparent and holy.
If we are a family then let us be real.
Pull us, don't let go of us.
Lord would You bring revival?
Cause us to speak the words that need to be spoken.
Cause us to lay down these heavy burdens.
Pull us, don't let us go.
Lord would You bring revival.
Revival.
Bring these dead bones, bring dead hearts, bring our weary souls back to life.
You are good and Your mercy endures forever and I  know You.. Oh,
Won't let us go. You've never failed.
And as we rise up, You are with us.
Hold us, together. Hold us as one.
And we will find You, in one another.
So take my hands bind them together with my sister and my brother and we will move more more into You.

I can be, who I am.
They can be, who they are.
But we are being made new in You and everything will change, and all will rearrange and we'll have hope.

So praise the Lord. Praise the Lord.
For You are good, for You are good.

Your voice tied to words my mind can understand.