Standing

Here we are standing.
Holding on and letting go,
Living in the ebb and  flow.
Spirit of God speak.
Revealed in the Word,
lived in the Incarnate.

Today and yesterday, tomorrow and forever.
These emotions change and it drives me insane.
Yesternight was a lifetime ago, and today feels like a daze.
But my witness can't depend in these fleeting feelings, these residues if dreams.
So Jesus come, help me. Because I can't help myself.

Meet the mom.
Sing life over her and make her whole.
Meet the dad.
As life has crumbled give new sight, restore the broken and be there. 
Meet the daughter,
Continue to give her strength to bear the loads and make clear her path.
Meet the son,
Whose tasks overwhelm and distractions hold him, give freedom and clarity.

For You are father, mother, sister, neither and in You we find peace.

I wish

Friend, I write this for you.

I wish.
I wish I could make the time turn back,
and restore all you've lost.
I wish I could quicken our Savior's steps,
and bring the restoration now.

I wish I could carry this for you instead,
and know you'd carry me too.
I wish the smallest part to be renewed,
and hope to grow and grow.

I scream, I cry, I am worn,
yet your strength pushes me forward.
I sing, I dance, I am joyful,
as you've brought a light into my life.

I wish, oh dear one I wish.

I wish to make the stars align,
and for you to meet the one.
I wish to make the pain cease,
and all the tears seem distant.

I wish that the voices would be silenced,
and you'd know your worth.
I wish your heart to speak languages unknown,
and you'd know your feet are beautiful.

Dear one I wish....
But in this fragile body you are here.
We can scream at God together, it's okay.
I won't run away, and He is not offended.

I wish I understood the mind of God,
the tarrying Father of Lights.
I wish I could explain the Spirit's move,
or our elder brother, Christ's love.

You scream, you sit, you are worn,
the tears just don't work anymore.
You walk, you move, you speak,
and you cause new life all around you.

So dear one, while I will wish and forever pray,
You are a light.
You are a song.
We all dance in the symphony of who you are.
I wish you could hear it's melody.

Please know, I know you will be whole.
A day will come that your heart will rest.
Where wishing will be for petty things,
like books and earrings.
Until that day I will never give up,
and neither should you -
Because hope arises in the morning,
and we too can be made new.
I love you.
I wish you to know how deep that love is - for it is not me alone.

A prayer

Sometimes I am going my prayers, sometimes I live my prayers and then like today I write the words I can - hoping  the Spirit will respond to the things I can express.

Growing up... God I never thought we'd get this far. My heart breaks in my chest. I desperately long for us to be all together. For my sisters, brother, and I to live life together. To experience everything like the best of friends. But God its not happening like that. God we all seem so far apart and it kills me...
Is this what is meant to be? Are we born into these family units only to depart after their years of investing into us? It doesn't seem fair.
Hold steady my heart. Let me hear You, through the madness, through the chaos, through the insanity help me.
As I lack understanding and as my heart hurts, I will trust You. I don't know anything anymore but I know You. Jesus, my elder brother speak truth to me. God my Father, I will trust Your call. Holy Spirit, my mother and sister, sing over me songs of love and peace in this insanity.
Amen.

Drowning in the silences, Swimming in the dawn

I believe in a theology that is rich, full and beautiful.

I believe in a Holy Spirit, whose beautiful dance within the Trinity causes us to sing into Pentecost.

I believe that rain will cause us to grow, but the sun proves our perseverance.

I feel a failure in so many different ways.

While your words say otherwise, I feel I have broken your heart.

What I believe doesn't seem to connect with what I feel.

What I live is so different from what I know.

The darkness came, the Spirit spoke, and the dragon died.

But will I last....

I can't explain to you the intricacies, the connected reasons of why and why not,

these complexities are beyond my words to articulate.

But the melding between us has caused a rift, a void I can't express.

I don't want these demons, I don't want these blessings,

I just don't want to let go.

What I feel is screaming, and the voice of condemnation whispers my sins as I confess.

So I say all I know, because what I feel is too much for me.

You are God, You are a good, good God.

A father, a mother, sister, brother - You are.

All good things I have, all love I know is from You.

Three in One, a dance I am invited to witness, to join in by even the smallest part.

Will we wade into these waters, the oceans that have no end?

For You oh God are limitless, endless in character, love, and person.

I can spend my entire life seeking You, and a thousand eternities thereafter and I will know a simple drop.

But seek I must.

You know. Bring peace. Prayers of the Saints lift me up.

Cause these conflictions to speak true of who You are Lord.

For You are I AM - unchanging, unwavering in all You are. 

Living, breathing, present, past and all that will be.

In You all was made, in all You will be, and in You all will end.

I will be in You, and trust that You can, will and have spoken to me.

That's all I have left.

Selah.

I used to

I used to believe in capital punishment.
I used to believe in systems.
I used to believe I knew what justice was.

But two twelve year old girls being imprisoned till they are 77, that's not justice.
Us overtly avoiding the mental health issue while hyper focusing on gender, that's not justice.

I used to believe in black and white lines.
I used to believe everyone thought like me.
I used to believe I could transcend this insanity.

But a young girl laying in a hospital bed recovering from wounds inflicted by her "friends", that's not sane.
A young man hands wet with blood, shooters on campuses, schools, homes, and no trace of the Body, that's not sane.

I used to believe the prayers of the saints were superfluous.
I used to believe old men's longing for Christ's return to be demonstrative.
I used to believe we could make this right on our own.

But my heart yearns for peace, as the whole world groans in angst, tearing itself apart.
Our feeble hands unable to accomplish, yet we can do more than we are, and most of all we need to seek His face.

I used to believe I knew much more than I do.
I used to speak in certainty I can't hold anymore.
I used to be safe in the place of reason and knowledge.

But like my peers, like the masses surrounding me, my own unraveling is parallel to the world's failing.
Yet as the Creator takes me apart piece by piece, I will not be left an empty canvas but will be made into a new masterpiece - one that shines, that includes, that invites, and gives space.

Let us speak no more of "I used to". But let us join in the joyful sound of "I am becoming", "Christ is changing me", "I am not, but I trust in the one who IS."
These are not cliche quips, they are not simple answers to simple questions. These are the results of deep wrestling, of sleepless nights, of tears and groans only the Spirit can express. Yes, it may seem like all hell is breaking forth in this land and in our own hearts - but that is a glimmer, the Light can not die, and He who was before, is now and will be again....so let us run into Him.