Remember Me

"Tending to manifest or express one's feelings easily or unreservedly."

That is what I am typically - demonstrative. There were many years I expressed myself unreserved, forgoing context and social timing. After several painful experiences I tried to reign in this 'outbursts' - I put that which I didn't hold to be demigods. Restraint. Social timing. Context. Expectation. The rules of propriety that I often saw manifest in my dad's side of the family - would slowly overtake most of my life.

I believe you can know restraint in a healthy manner. But I also know for those 'obsessive' personalities, those that live in all-or-nothing realities - balance is hard, and seems often impossible. Instead of being a balanced individual I became controlling, and hardened to the most intimate of relationships. I put social timing over the well-being of another; restraint over reaching out in love; context over fleshing out necessary wounds; expectation over everything else. Even as I type it is hard to not put some of those on a higher pedestal than the others.

Living as my own solitary individual would allow me more space for duality. But living in intimate community with others (family, church etc.) doesn't afford such individualistic luxuries.

My husband has often said that after we got married I changed. The young passionate spiritual lady he knew was lost - and another person came in her stead.
I could list the lengthy reasons why I think that changed.
I was 18, in a matter of a year I would live in two countries, 2 states, 4 homes, find out I was pregnant, have all my earthly possessions stolen (except two suitcases), enroll in college, move away from family, and spend 364 days with a man I knew barely over a year.
Those are just the external realities - not mentioning the deep, lengthy spiritual and emotional turbulence that would accompany all of those changes. Looking back I know those drastic changes would allow Phil and I to grow closer, to know our stuff and be able to withstand the less glorious years to come. We all change, but as a Christian we should be moving forward not reversing as it seemed to my husband I was doing.

I can honestly say now I am a much more whole person that I ever was before. I lived in a state of demoniac-like conflict - a mind that was constantly double-minded. I wrote in my journals that I just wanted to be okay, that I would hold onto hope that okay would come. I was spiritual, I prayed, felt an intimacy with the Lord; I wasn't as irritable, or easily frustrated - though I could have a temper. I struggled SO strongly with authority, and submission - to the point where none of those words were allowed in my vows. (A decision we still hold to, but would have liked to have a better motive than my authority issues.) But I loved the Lord; I felt that I knew Him. I could be in His presence so easily. Whether it was an age thing or a different season in life or something, regardless I find being with God is much harder now. I have to fight to not fall asleep, I don't feel Him like I used to. Often I feel He is a stranger that I trust but don't know.

I always wanted to be one of those prayer warriors, like from Kansas City's IHOP or one of those individuals that could feel Jesus. They acted as though He was their best friend - not in some cheesy literature but in a real and meaningful way. I always knew God - head knowledge. I loved diving into Scripture taking apart the Greek and Hebrew in my Strong's concordance, journaling my theories to which translation of the word was best. The Scriptures felt alive, I'd pray and a verse would fall into my hands and it spoke to me or those I loved beautifully. I read through the Bible several times, it wasn't a struggle, I enjoyed it. But at night the dark scared me, and sometimes I'd just have to say Jesus over and over to fight the lurking darkness I felt creep around the corners of my room. Thankfully I always had my trusty Labrador Bliss - she was my nighttime companion. Even as her black fur would ruin most of my furniture and carpet, having her near made the dark not quite as terrifying.

I think in the transition from singlehood to married life I made my spouse my everything. Phil unwittingly became my parents, my sisters, my puppy, my friend, my husband and my 'god' - a role no one could fill but I subliminally expected him too. When our sins manifested months into our marriage - unresolved anger issues, hurt and injury from family members, lack of self-control, self-worth issues - well that mirage of 'he would be my everything' slowly faded and bitterness took its place. I never planned on getting married, so I certainly didn't prepare for it, a couple sessions premarital counseling with my father-in-law helped see the vast differences but did little more. I don't think it could have. I was stubborn - we knew we wanted to get married and our parents did the best thing they could: offer as much support as possible, challenging us, helping us and blessing us (I know they must have been praying too).

Not everyone has a crisis of faith because of marriage - I certainly did. My husband wasn't the embodiment that I knew he could be. The vision of the future-Phil was not lived in the present and I resented him for it. But really it was me - I didn't know how to work God into my life anymore. If I didn't desperately need Him, well then how did He fit? If I was finally okay, but not happy where does that leave God and I?

I am a good person. As people go I try hard to care, work hard, serve, give and be the light. Internally I have struggled to share my heart. I was such a demonstrative person, and with it I was injured. In turn I took my spiritual side and hide it in a closet in the basement of my heart. No one could know my struggles - even God wasn't always privy. I often felt like the prodigal son, I wanted to make myself clean, good and presentable before going to God. But we all know this world has us stained, and only the washing of the blood and the constant foot washing will cleanse us from the dirt - both of which require coming to the Son first not after.

I say all that to say this - remember who you are. God formed you, molded you and knew you long before the world did. I think of some of my sisters who has lived two decades hearing their identity told to them rather than given to them by the King. I remember my husband whose sense of spirituality often felt misunderstood, his strong empathetic and discerning nature often judged by those who didn't understand. I don't know what you've molded yourself to now - if you are like me after so many chameleon changes it's hard to remember what we were before. But I know this, don't give up. It's hard, it's uncomfortable and the timing is not what we'd want - but the you that God made is there somewhere inside. We have to run to the Father in order to know ourselves. Sometimes it's sitting in silence, others it’s breaking the wall through songs and shouts, it is writing, it is reading, it is communing and getting to know God. There is no formula; rather it is an experiment and a constant change that allows us to know the parts of this magnificent God who calls us daughters and sons. He isn't a mystery to avoid relationship - He enters into relationship to let us partake in the mystery. When this mundane world comes tightly in and you feel your spirit suffocating - let go of the molds you have made, let God reveal who you are through who He is. Like a wonderful pastor and author recently wrote - find that moment where you were you before the cares and fears of this world trampled on you.* For him it was riding a bicycle as child where his imaginative could run free and his spirits held no burden, for many others it’s in a relationship, an outside adventure, a single moment or a continues occasion. Regardless of when or how - let God form you into who you really are. Be demonstrative with God - express yourself unreservedly and He will meet you.

You have been and You will be

You have seen and You will see

You know when I rise and when I fall

When I come or go You see it all

You hung the stars and you move the sea, and still You know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh You know me (repeat)

Nothing is hidden from Your sight Wherever I go, You find me

You know every detail of my life You are God and You

don't miss a thing

You memorize me

*(Protoype by Jonathan Martin printed by Tyndale Publishers available in book and e-book everywhere)

The Body - Ecumenical Conversations in Movements

Jesus -
What are you doing?
And why are you doing it?
Why does the hand not even see the foot?
Or the ear not acknowledge the knee?
How do we operate with such blind assurance?
Confident and true, but incomplete;
it seems the Body is never one.

How can we belittle an act of God?
Don't we know the wise things of this world will be made foolish?
Can't we see that great work our brother is doing?
Even it is unfamiliar and foreign,
will I say they are against You
as the cast out demons in Your name?
When did we get here?
Assured in our place.

I stand as though atop a wall,
seeing to the left and to the right.
Both true,
both beautiful,
both right,
yet neither are complete.
Oh God, in Your majesty,
How can we can we confine You?
In the midst of Your splendor,
how can understand You?

Stretch me,
pull me,
let these questions mull around in my heart.
But Jesus,
Don't answer.
Let me stand on this wall
Between the divisions,
attempting unity.
Trying love.
Seeking peace.
One Body.
Jesus,
I can't stand alone -
one can fall and die.
With two, they can stand up.
Oh Lord but with three,
that cord shall not easily break.

Let me dance along the bridges,
singing songs of unity between us.
Painting the tapestry of diversity;
breathing in the majesty of color.
Gold dust, to footwashing;
Languages known and unknown.
Breaking bread with the wise & the fool,
drinking the juice of the vine with the misunderstood.
Let me stand along these walls,
in the in between -
I see You more clearly here.
Your world is so much bigger than my eyes can see -
Let me fly into the largeness of You,
growing more amazed, more diverse, as love overflowing
in the midst of this diverse community.
For this is Your Body,
this is Your Cup -
bridging the gaps so we can stand together,
Dancing this dance of unity and love
Until we are one as You are One.

________________________________________________________

This is not a judgement, but a song out of my heart to my Father. I have never been a committed member of a movement, denomination, or church. I know I need growth, as I lack maturity in commitment, in persistence. As a family we moved around, seeking community wherever it would be found. In the midst of discussions on the Body and community especially through Wesleyan Pentecostal Holiness lens, it seemed as though we are standing apart. I have an incomplete vision of Christ, of the Body, of the Trinity, of God - and I know this. I don't want to let pride prevent me from knowing God. I've been a mere step above a tumbleweed blowing in the wind. Yet I can't help but see a Body so diverse, while we are so blind to the beauty of Spirit's work. Where bonds of unity could grow and give strength - we stay to the streams of ecumenical work that 'make sense' through denominations and traditions that have lasted hundreds of years. But what about the new movements, the groups that have yet to grow a understandable structure and yet are changing their neighborhoods, their cities, parts of the world without us even knowing it? There is so much more to the conversation than what we know right now, and perhaps are even comfortable with. But isn't that the beauty of Creation? All the good, all the right, all the true, all the aspects of the imago Dei formed into one Body that reaches across every human boundary? That is a love the world can't replicate, can't understand and so desperately want - they don't need more walls dividing us, but a love that reaches beyond commonalities to a spiritual tie that withstands all storms. They need the Body of Christ, in all her forms, broken and true as she become more and more the unified Bride.

Community green

I've been listening to Dr. Chris Green and his sermon about community. It's always a bit wonderful, joyous, frustrating and affirming when someone preaches a sermon, or teaches a teaching that is what you know but couldn't articulate nearly as beautiful. Their speech is for many something new and radical, and yet for you it is something that you've struggled to live out, yet never could scriptural base as well.
Community is hard when you look different, act odd, and don't like social gatherings. Especially when the people who are supposed to make up that community judge what you look like, disdain your hobbies, and don't make an initiative to say anything to you. I never had that problem. I am and have been a chameleon, and I also love the center stage. I didn't follow the 'wrong' things but the 'superficial' things of life like hobbies, and activities changed based on the social group. The problem I often found with this was that without people I am nothing, if I didn't love to read I would have been an empty shell of a person.
But I am married to someone whose entire life has been judged by the outward appearance which equated self-loathing and condemnation. As he has grown out of the self-focus, he has grown acutaly aware that he is a created being that God formed with purpose. Why should we hide or change or lie about who we are, when it supresses the gifts and callings our Creator gave us?
Community is not homogenous, all dressed the same, acting the same - that is gathering of clones, not a diverse expression of the Creator.
We need the broken, the narrow, the dense, or as Green said we need the walls and the donkeys to save us from our own foolishness. To show us how wrong we were, to break our stubborn selves.
But honestly what do you do, when there seems to be no one?
What if no one sees you? Reaches out to you? If no one corrects you or affirms you how can you change or stay the same?
Like a friend of mine mentioned recently, community in the New Testament was always an extension to the stranger. It wasn't a homogenous meeting of like-minded friends - it was a gathering of a family who had been given a new citizenship and this could welcome any into their community.
If only we would be willing to be as open, as vulnerable, as accessible then perhaps we'd find community to be that diverse body that reaches out to the fragmented, the outcast, the estranged, and the strange.

Wary or Weary

I'm fasting from social media for the next couple of days. I know many people are fine checking Facebook and Twitter regularly but I have found I substitute for everything else in life - prayer, conversation, reading, cleaning, school, name it I will be on twitter rather than engaging in it.

I feel a weight in my chest. Actually I feel it more in my gut, as there is an ache in my heart that prevents its engagement. This weight is heavy - full of uncertainty, fear, lethargy, and desire. The desire burns deep but the waters of uncertainty begin to overtake, and with the rains of fear pouring down the sublime creature of lethargy takes desires place. There can be no heartbreak if there is no heart to break.

I want to move on. So very desperately I want to seize what lays before me - a truth, a life, a dream that is almost and not yet. Yet I feel a deep and subtle hesitation. It pulls me back, like a paddleball I feel free for a sheer moment before being pulled back to into place.
However even deeper than my desire to move on is the commitment to not have regrets by leaving too early. Having gone through a few situations where I had to come back later and 'relive' it in order to move on - I certainly don't want to do that here.

I feel a pull, an internal conflict, and either party may win. Deep inside I don't want to return. For many it's just a job, for me it's been my life - what I pray about, think about, dream about, stress about, regret, love, where I've found admiration and approval daily. In some crass way to leave is similar to getting a divorce - the change is final and there is no going back, the relationship is cutoff and you have to move on. I think about it - really knowing all the problems, stresses, and sheer amount of energy that goes into a semester and my body goes into slight panic. I'm too tired, too worn, I'm weary of the continuing.

Yet I'm wary of moving forward. I know the grass isn't greener - maybe a different hue but it's the same grass. We can try to fool ourselves and believe that switching jobs, majors and churches will magically make everything better - but in reality it doesn't. The exception of course being the Voice of God. If God tells you to go and you don't - things simply get worse and you miss a 'greener grass'. If you follows God's voice the grass is greener simply for the obedience and confidence gained from obeying His voice. It still has it's trials, but you have the Everlasting Arms to lean on, to keep you going as you pursue His will.

But what do you do when it feels like He is silent? Do you stay or do you go?

Perseverance is not my forte. Is it really anybodies? I am a persistent sort, but I am also used to working hard for a prize I tangibly receive. I talk to my sister about this regularly - we work hard and find favor in our work, it's not that we sit around it's a hard earned favor, but still it's beyond even our abilities often times. I've seen many changes occur in my job, and when it seemed I reach the culmination of the hard work - the reason for the hours, the tears, the joys, everything - it was pulled away as quickly as it came. If status and power wasn't going to be my pinnacle, what would be?

As Christian we are often told to shy away from such words as status and power; it's a pride of this world, a self-absorption that gives only you honor rather than the Creator. But what do you do as Christian, when you are working in a system where without those badges you are unable to speak, to move, to be much of anything. That at the end of the day without power to bring change you are simply another pawn in the scheme of the machine?

I know at this point there should be a story. A revelation of the martyrs, the saints of past and present that worked in governments and systems that hindered their faith and yet they brought revolution, transformation and love. My cynical response yells that they didn't fight systems that pretended to be something it isn't. That it's different when you serve three masters, all of which have differing standards and all you want to do at the end of the day is ask why is it this way? Again I say, for many it's just a job, for me it's everything I given my life for the last three years, and I can't simply clock in/clock out unless the Lord Almighty gives me strength to do so.

I know it's silly, but as I wrote I had three words pressed into my head - Ezekiel, China, Missionary. So I did what any good Pentecostal person should do, I Googled those three words together. The first result was this: The Cat's-Paw. It's a 1934 comedy film that used sound in a thriving silent film era.

Ezekiel Cobb, a naive young man raised by missionaries in China, is sent to the United States to seek a wife. He is promptly enlisted by the corrupt political machine of the city led by the corrupt boss to run for mayor as phony "reform" politician. He is expected to be the "cat's paw" of the political machine. Cobb unexpectedly takes his job seriously. He embarks on a campaign to clean his town of its corrupt political machine. Fighting back, the corrupt politicians frame Cobb. He turns the table on them, however, by enlisting the help of his friends in the local Chinese community. They end up using tricks of illusion to gain the support of the political machine again. Then town is swept of its corruption.

Stories remind us of truths that our hardheaded hearts would not otherwise hear. 

I don't know, and I need to know. It's hard for me to say, "Thy will be done", I don't want to stay. But I don't want to leave either, and therein lies the juxtaposition. While God can speak through a donkey, He can't answer our heart's knocking if we keep running back and forth between doors.

I just imagine a cartoon version of myself knocking at a large door then changing my mind so I begin running down a long hall to another door to knock. As soon as I walk away from the first door, God open's it for me to look inside but I've already changed my mind so He hears the knock at the other door, closing the first to answer the second. But as soon as I knock on the second I change my mind just as quickly and run back to the first; though God just opened the door to the second after I ran away. I see this play out dozens if not hundreds of times - all the while my little cartoon version of myself grows more weary with each run, and God longingly wanting to offer His Shalom to my aching body. I want to change the town, fight the political corruption, turn the manipulation on it's head and save everyone in it's overturn. But I feel I am merely a puppet, unable to make much movement, restrained by the strings of the system.

Or perhaps the strings are merely show? That really they are not tied to anything at all, and instead the restriction is self-made, self-induced into believing God isn't big enough to change this place? Perhaps the problem isn't in the system, but in the belief that the system is the evil rather than the enemy of our souls causing chaos and darkness in order to shroud the light? Maybe God is able to make the weak strong, the fearful brave, and the wretched new - even in the midst of corruption?

I hope to change
The tired and 
Same state I'm in
I hope to face
What lies in front of me
I won't turn back

Tonight we fight 
The battle at our sides
Don't close your eyes
Tonight we fight 
The darkness in the skies

I'm going in
Try and stop me (x2)

I hope to break
Through this barricade
Of skin and bone
And I'm not afraid
To face the foreign arms
I'll fire back

Tonight we fight 
The battle at our sides
Don't close your eyes
Tonight we fight 
The darkness in the skies

I'm going in

Try and stop me (x4)
(I'm Going In by Autumn Film)

I don't know the answer, this is just the beginning of the questions. But at least I know the enemy I fight, rather than the puppets he uses - I fight not against flesh and blood by principalities and powers of the dark. I serve the King of Light and the darkness will not prevail in the midst of His glory. 

I don't feel

"He preserves the souls of His saints;

He delivers them out of the hand of the wicked.

Light is sown for the righteous,

and gladness for the upright in heart.

Rejoice in the Lord, you righteous

and give thanks at the remembrance of His name. "

Psalms 97:10-12

I don't feel preserved

Delivered,

Lighted

Glad

I don't remember

Let everything change.

If it doesn't, I'm not sure I'll make it.

I won't give up, but my heart may stop beating,

And the breaths may slow.

Don't tarry

I may die if You do.

I can hold on,

I can believe.

But You see the one,

the lost,

the broken,

the rejected,

the one misunderstood by so many....

Jesus! SPEAK!

Isn't Your child worth a voice?

A whisper would help them stand,

but silence is all that is heard.

I can believe,

because I can remember.

But blessed Savior be faithful,

to the ones who have yet heard.

Who have yet to see, Jesus be true.

Let Your Spirit come, Jesus please....

Why tarry anymore?

Why withhold? 

It hurts too much to breath. 

But a mere glimpse of You can heal.

A shadow would make them arise and run to glory.

Don't withhold,

but preserve us fragile souls.

The spirit that can't be delivered by man,

uplift Jesus...turn Your face and sow Your light.

That gladness would overflow and rejoicing occur.

Rejoice, help me to rejoice even in the darkness.

Everything must change

More than likely we have all heard someone at some point say, "everything must change". 

Brian McClaren wrote his book "Everything Must Change" to show what would happen when Jesus' Good News collides with a world in need.
Grahame Davies wrote the novel by the same name that contemplates social conscience and radical activism in the modern world in regards to different female philosophers.
Quincy Jones 1974 hit "Everything Must Change" has been covered by a half-a-dozen different artists since then and is often associated to the loss of a loved one.

When Jesus came to earth, His presence was perhaps the most decisive statement that really, truly from that day forward everything would change. Since Jesus birth, life, death & resurrection, each time we encounter this Jesus it causes a decorative statement in our spirits "Everything Must Change". We can not encounter Jesus - the Son of God, the Truth, the Word without every part of ourselves being changed. Whether we stay changed depends on our follow through to the call of discipleship, the willingness to lay our life down daily to take up Christ's glorious cross.

Many of us face other times in our life where events occur that cause a similar declaration that "everything must change". Whether it be the loss of loved one, a tragic accident, the birth of a child, marriage, relocation, new calling etc. there are many life events that call us to change, not just schedule but every priority, every activity is seen differently through that new lens of change. 

I've half-joked lately that everything will change and soon. If I take a job offer everything will change in my life. With the exception of my love, most haven't understood the gravity of this statement. You probably don't know, but life comes pretty easy to me most of the time. School is easy (with the exception of math), work is natural, friendships I know how to fight for them. It's not that I don't work hard, or fight for what I have - it just that I've never felt incapable. 

Another half-joke I've told most of my cognisant life is that "I don't lack confidence in me, I lack confidence in God. I know I can do it, I'm not sure about Him." While this is half a joke, it is also half a truth. With rare occasion I've not felt inadequate, truly challenged, restricted by the world. This world is my oyster and I am going to enjoy it to its fullest. I don't remember anyone ever telling me I can't do something. Of course my parents gave me restrictions, like don't stay out late, don't steal, be respectful etc. But I can never remember a time where I was told I couldn't do something because of my age, race, gender, or personality. If there were criteria - well you'd be sure I would meet them. Peer pressure was ridiculous, my friends wouldn't curse around me, and they'd drop me off at the coffee shop on their way to the club. I didn't feel insecure at these choices, nor did I feel ostracized. However often I felt misunderstood, and the deepest parts of my heart I felt alone.

See being fully confident in a broken vessel will only lead to a fractured lens that the world is seen through. When I met my husband everything changed, there was one who knew me; he really truly saw who I really was. Even with my anti-men rants, immature leadership, reversed sexism, in the midst of all my persona's - he knew me and stayed by even in my sin. Almost six years after saying "I Do" I know there is no one in this world who knows me and gets me better. I feel completely understood (most of the time anyway), I am completely accepted (though he certainly won't let me get away with anything and challenges the sin in my life daily). He is so ingrained into my identity, my personhood that I can't remember a time without him. His presence in my life has been so impactful he is in my memories even before he was really in my life. The only drawback to this dynamic is that I forgot God, not for a day, or a month, but for a few years. God wasn't necessary anymore - I was known, I was accepted by another more tangible being than the Almighty. God became a necessary part for others lives. God was only as necessary as the need or lack that the other had that I needed to speak into. But in a personal and tangible relationship - God got lost after I became a self-sufficient mother, wife, student and Christian. 

That changed at the beginning of this year, when for the first time in a very long time I was made aware of the innate lack in myself. I saw community and the desires of whole life came bubbling over like a flood. Entering in a new church is always hard, awkward and just a bit frustrating. At least that is the case for a PK and their 'church mouse' spouse. We have always felt a bit on the outside, and because of the love and acceptance between the two of us - we didn't need anyone else. We were/are blessed to have large families that incorporate us into their lives. We have some of the best parents, siblings and grandparents I can imagine - and we get to build relationships with them as friends as well. But when the stability of family started to move as everyone started to grow up and move on - the lack (at least for me) grew unavoidably large. 

Then God showed up. In the midst of the Lenten season, the God of the universe - whom I had forgotten His name - met me in the early mornings. Everything changed. My sister said she saw a difference on my face, she knew something changed. My husband and I fought less, my heart was softer, I was more open, loving and kind. I was ministering intentionally to those around me, friends from years past called for help - in a liturgical season of lack I was being filled. But to follow the liturgical calendar, after Pentecost Sunday the fire I had left. Life happens, we all have schedule changes and as much as I'd like to blame my lost fire to the job changes or school changes that would be a bit of a crock - I was working less than ever, school wasn't anymore time consuming. I had more time and yet found God less accessible. 

Change is hard. When we say 'everything must change' it typically is in response to something that has forced us to change. Whether it be a good or bad event - something has pushed us to the point of change, rarely do we stand up and declare "everything must change" without it being in reaction to something

My sisters are moving on with their lives, diving deep into the callings God has put before them. Our families still love us and want us, but the need of us has waned. As the world around us seems to grow distant, I have grown acutely aware of the three of us standing in the midst of the ocean having to decide which direction we will go. Yet at the same time, we are here, our physical presence remains in the same spot on the globe at least for another year or two. But you have to understand, everything has to change or it never will. 

When life thrusts us into change we still have the choice to decide how and to what degree it will change us. Life events like death, birth and marriage give us the unique opportunity to have quite literally, everything change. Our bodies, our location, our goals, our purposes, our hobbies, our jobs, our friends - everything is allowed to change with these large life decisions. It's a lot harder to declare such expansive change when it's simply accepting a new job, or changing majors - but it's often in these small changes God knocks on our heart's door. He whispers a call, a beckoning, an opportunity for something more.....

I am pursuing a new job, at my same employer. It's commitment is large in its time, energy, and efforts. For the first time in a while I feel horribly inadequate and unprepared. Since I switched to online schooling three and half years ago I have essentially turned off certain problem solving skills. Life has been easy, and I've been riding that wave with ease. But in this new position I'd be the boss, the one who directs everyone. I am not taking someone else's vision or rule and implementing it - I am giving the vision, the direction. I would be the name they'd use to motivate poor employees. It's a heavy responsibility. But not only would work change, but time would - time with family, friends, with Addie, with Phil, with Church... Everything I did would have to be intentional, I couldn't just expect things to happen. Same with my relationship with God. In order for me to be the light I have been called to be I would have to dive deep in the waters of the Spirit, discovering the Truth daily, and relying of God to be my everything. While hesitant, the deepest parts of my heart long for such a change. Because if it doesn't happen now, when will it?

I want to lay everything down for the sake of God's glory. I most intimately want to be ministry partners with my husband and daughter. Going out to worlds untouched by the Light, bringing the power of prayer, the power of love in tow. Following God's direction, traversing through this world to bring other's to the joy of salvation, the power of abundant life - to THE TRUTH. 

Everything must change, or I may wake up at the twilight of life realizing I have the world but have lost my soul. But I will not act in fear of the future, but in sweet patience, leaning on the Everlasting Arms I will move forward into His purposes so that everything can change continually till we become wholly His.