Forgetting the Dust

There isn't much need for eloquence this morning. The rain has done that already.

I woke up early to spend time with God, but found myself incredibly unfamiliar with Him. Sitting on the couch trying to figure out how to exit myself and enter into His Holiness - I was uncomfortable and uncertain. When you don't know what to do, do what you've done before I guess. I grabbed a book that encouraged me throughout the last year, Defiant Daughters: Christian Women of Conscience. Its a compilation of stories from the famous Joan of Arc, to lesser known saints or activists - women whose faith compelled them to action. Today I went to the women of dedication and St. Teresa of Avila.

It is not necessary for me to go through her story, though it is lovely, intriguing and challenging. But rather I felt the need to say I relate. In some small way her story echoed a longing in mine. As a child she longed to be a martyr (as did I), as an adult she chose to follow the way of Christ but got comfortable by the luxurious of this world (as I have), and then she grew in her longings for God and His visions, words and peace challenged her to move (as I hope to be).

I am at a place I don't know where to go next. The fear to disappoint and fail is high. I know it's silly but failure sounds similar to death but perhaps more permanent. I have so much transition around me I feel unable to enter its season -rather I feel to be a necessary rock for the storms around me. I can't make Jericho fall, I had my armor ready and the Lord said lay it down, grab your horn but walk in silence with Me.

I may be on day one around Jericho, or day six - I do not know, but I am walking in silence around these fortified walls. Knowing that inside is all I've been promised, much of what I long for but I cannot cease it, nor shall I make it mine - it is the Lord's. I will wait in active silence. Until the day of triumph arrives and I shout for His name sake.

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Psalms 16

Protect me, God, for I take refuge in You.
2 I said to Yahweh, “You are my Lord;
I have nothing good besides You.”
3 As for the holy people who are in the land,
they are the noble ones.
All my delight is in them.
4 The sorrows of those who take another god
for themselves will multiply;
I will not pour out their drink offerings of blood,
and I will not speak their names with my lips.

5 Lord, You are my portion
and my cup of blessing;
You hold my future.
6 The boundary lines have fallen for me
in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

7 I will praise the Lord who counsels me—
even at night my conscience instructs me.
8 I keep the Lord in mind always.
Because He is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.

9 Therefore my heart is glad
and my spirit rejoices;
my body also rests securely.
10 For You will not abandon me to Sheol;
You will not allow Your Faithful One to see decay.
11 You reveal the path of life to me;
in Your presence is abundant joy;
in Your right hand are eternal pleasures.