This Easter was perfect.
Growing up in a conservative Evangelical Charismatic non-denominational home, my father out of the Episcopal tradition, and my mom from the cultish World Wide Church of God - well let's just say all religious holidays had extensive discussions of their place in our family. My grandmother was a rich, retired Californian Episcopalian, so you can bet we went to the Country Club every year, wore matching dresses and was among the masses of grandchildren being bragged about among the residents. Church had little place in our Easter tradition. We had done the Good Friday or Saturday services - but they lacked the Resurrection and Sunday morning was dedicated to Egg Hunts and Luncheons so after a while my dad felt that only having the death of Christ wasn't beneficial. After my grandmother passed away I have no memories of Easter, the day of our Lord's Resurrection held little importance to me. Then when my husband and I got married we spent most of these times with my in-laws. They pastor a good Mid-West Christian Church, which means little liturgy, low emotion, and lots of specials. A good, calm Sunday service with breakfast fellowship beforehand (oh the bacon!) and a ham lunch afterwards.
This year was different, we weren't going to Illinois we had to choose our own tradition.
God spoke to my husband as we went to see the Disney Nature documentary Bears - yes God speaks to my husband often in Disney movies (Frozen was a life changer, no joke). Anyway Phil felt the unction of the Spirit to let me chose our Easter plans. He didn't want to, because he knew what that intended.
A sunrise service.
Going to our normal church family.
A picnic, with my family.
Following the whims of me.
Honestly I can't blame the man, both he and my daughter hadn't seen the light of a 6am hour in a long time. But they were troupers and got up with me to go the Charismatic Anglican service at the Lee University Chapel at 7am. I wanted our daughter to experience the liturgy of the Church of England, but with livelihood of the Spirit's ways -Emmanuel Fellowship offered both. We read aloud Scripture, responded to Fr. Baker, and sang beautiful songs - then as we were to partake of the Eucharist the sun began to fully rise. As the light streamed through the stained glass we stood in line awaiting the Body and the Blood. As Fr. Baker looked at me, asking if my five year old daughter took of the Lord's Table, my heart leapt as he prayed a special blessing over when I said yes. He touched her forehead, and she took the wafer. Then the next brother dipped it into the wine and put it in my daughter's mouth. I still remember to this day my first taste of communion wine, its odd flavor ruminating on my tongue as the wafer faded from my mouth. As we walked back to our pew, I sat and cried - the Lord knew my desires. My husband sitting next to me also wept for the impact of the Eucharist.
It wasn't Adelaide's first communion, and we are blessed to be in a congregation that weekly joins in the Lord's Supper but there was something there, in the blessings, in the waiting, in the emerging sun - the rejoicing of Christ is Risen that moved us both so deeply. Our darling Addie loved the songs, and sat so still even during the long readings and the homily. She watched as the Father crossed his chest, bowed to the Word and carried the cross out the door. She was joining in an ancient tradition, that I had been sprinkled into, a place that God had originally called me and I was now able to share with her.
The rest of the day was good as well. It was without drama (if you know us Blisses this is a huge feat) and was wonderfully relaxing. We were able to invite those who had no one else for our Easter picnic, and God showed us His heart for children during our service time at our normal congregation. God cared about my desires on Easter - even as the day was all about His Son's sacrifice, He still met me.
This sounds like a good, a great thing really. But as I woke up this morning there was a dead weight in my chest, a silent rock moving the blood through my veins as a living necessity rather than from passion or desire. I had a great day, enjoying the presence of my family - just us three. But as Phil poked at me, like he often does, he noticed I was not all right. I was resigned to a future I felt God wanted, but I never asked Him. I was being responsible making the pragmatic decisions for my family, sacrificing my hopes and dreams - but no one asked me to. I was a lonely martyr for a cause no one needed.
It's funny how we can make a decision by ourselves, run with it alone, and then wonder why it backfired? I think of Judas. I imagine him a pragmatic character, yes Matthew was the tax collector, but with a hothead like Peter, someone had to be the administrator, someone had to keep them on the right track. The beloved disciple was a bit self-absorbed, and the brothers fought or fished. But Judas - he had a clear head, and was following the Lord. When he saw the future king get off track, distracted by Samaritan women, or silly children - well he could ignore that if only to get him to the right path of overthrowing the Romans. But once Jesus started talking about dying, being the sacrificial Lamb, and them eating His Body - Judas knew things were too off target and action had to be taken. Whether he sold out Jesus to get out of this vagabond group of doomed misfits, or as a tactic to get Jesus to act according to his own plan - we will never know. But Judas did what was pragmatic, he made a decision and went with it - better than the floundering fool of a Peter or the sleeping chosen ones.
Man, how much I sound like that Judas. Doing what's right, at least by what's on paper; making sure we get to point z by properly following points b through y. Deciding what was best for the whole, without ever consulting another, going out, taking a risk in the name of the "plan" just to find out that that "plan" never existed. There was much more at work than a simple revolution - the Son of God and of man was about to change the entire game, not just shake a few Romans. But how could Judas know? He was just a man, but so were the rest of the disciples and while none of them handled the arrest of Jesus well none of them handed Him over either. Judas acted alone, doing what he thought was right by his own ideas.
Yeah, we have a lot in common. As soon as the plan seems to be failing I'm sitting back analyzing my next move. I'd be that Levite who'd die as they touched the Ark to keep it from falling - I assume my ways are the highest ways. I forget I can only see what is in my direct sight - and there is so much more at play than that. I can sacrifice my call for a future no one planned, lay my life down for a job that wasn't necessary, or lose my family as I assume roles never designed for me. Hearing the echoing words of my pastor I think I need to do something drastic to die to me and live for Christ - to follow Him wholeheartedly.
My husband said it starts in simply and sincerely praying - God please show me Your will and help me follow it. Lent is over, the waiting for the Resurrection has ended but still we await.
We wait for His Ascension, the relationship the disciples had with their Lord before has died and Jesus seems almost allusive but still so loving. Until the Ascension they will learn from Him, but it won't be the intimate times they had had once before. But there is coming a day, when the wind will blow and the flame arise as the Spirit will fall upon the people in ways much more intimate than God could've been before. The Spirit that will never leave them, nor forsake them, the Trinity residing upon their very beings. This is where I will wait as well. Knowing Jesus and I will never be the same, but that's okay - I sucked at playing god. But I will be marked to follow Him and it will cost me everything, and yet I will never be alone. Unlike Judas I will not have to fear my worthless coins as I lay in utter ruin of my plans being a lie - I can rest in the Spirit's voice changing me, directing me, and speaking to me. I am not alone, making pragmatic decisions as a selfish martyr - rather I am a bondservant of Christ, a coheir of the Son and He won't let me go.
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Listening to Jon Bryant's "What Takes You"
Hear it at http://jonbryant.bandcamp.com/album/what-takes-you
Inspired by Cheryl Bridges Johns' Sermon "Red Cord of Redemption"
Hear it at http://www.buzzsprout.com/7977/166808
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