Ohana

It's silly I know.
But I am sad for me,
and excited for you.
I knew life would keep on moving,
but I guess in the busy I assumed we stay.

Here you are going,
to another city, another dream,
exploring all the world can be.

Here I am staying,
wishing I could hold the time,
wondering why goodbyes happen at all.

I know it's silly.
Because I never expected us to stay,
We'd explore the world,
attempting our dreams,
Embracing the successes and the failures.
Somehow in the midst of waiting,
I thought we would just be together.

Busyness stole the hours,
Priorities shifting,
and new roles replacing the old.
I never realized how much I'd miss you.

I'm not ready to let go,
of that glimmer of what I always wanted,
but never could articulate.
I guess it's better to love,
to desire, to want,
than to hate, or never care at all.

It's silly, but that's okay.
Things are changing,
and we will never be the same.
Yet the excitement will roll,
and our dreams will unfold.
Until next time my sisters, my brothers, my dearest friends.

I love you.

When Mercies Are New

Today I feel overwhelmed. My body is fighting within me. My mind is unable to concentrate or connect things. I seriously feel like I can not do everything but there is nothing I can drop....... It feels a little like drowning slowly - your brain says don't panic because otherwise you will drown but your body is saying I am taking in water and I am going to die.

God, it feels trivial to ask
I don't trust that you care
There is something wrong with my approach
Trying to live this faith on my own
I'm not altogether different than my friend
Whose faith is in herself
Selah
Hold me fast Oh Lord
In the midst of my iniquity, speak
As a drown because of my own devices
Do not turn your face from me
You do not abandon but God do you fix?
When it seems I am failing
and it is all my fault, do You come and make new?

But is that not every sin?
Is not every failure a making of yours or another?
Will I not arise to your side in the darkest of trenches?
Even as you are in a sea of your own misery, I AM.
My mercy is new every morning. 

Birth

Birth

The kicks, hiccups and movement

The ambiguous feelings

The intimate knowing

All a foreshadow of who you are

Eyes of the sea

Or as an ebony night

Hair bright as the sun

Or as a shadow below

All we know is your name

That you come as we have all before

All we know is you’re ours

That you are a part of the life we begun

Belonging, but not contained

Held, but not controlled

Unique, yet linked

Known, yet a mystery

Seasons change

Life begins and ends

We are but a vapor

Yet the love lasts forever

Do not be afraid

The odd, the strange and familiar

We are destined to be a part

Death and life, simply seasons

Till our eyes meet

When you know you are safe

Till I know who you are

You are fully loved even now

For this is birth

A death of what was

The beginning of something new

Let us anticipate with great expectation

The birth of you, of us, of we

Enter into the birth of all that will be

And has been

Life.

Perhaps - a poem

Perhaps it's best to just stop

To take a moment and look

Seeing all that has happened

And is about to become

Perhaps if we waited

Just a little more, each morning

We’d see what is happening

And who we are becoming

Perhaps there is grace

A place to do life over

Where what has been

And what has become, can be changed

Perhaps

There were words I never knew

Seasons I never felt

Streams that remained full

Until now

Perhaps it’s time to step back

Surveying all that we are

Choosing what will happen

And seeking whom we should become

Perhaps we won’t have tomorrow

That right now is all we see

To make life happen

And to love who we are

Person of Grace

Father of Justice

Spirit of Peace

Truth

Love

Wisdom

Triune God who calls us into the perhaps

Help us

Even as we wade into deep, deep waters

I don't know

It's been a while.
A lot has happened.
A lot has stayed the same.

But a question keeps rumbling through, echoing throughout my mind and now my heart.
Life..

My second cousin on my mom's side recently posted on Facebook talking about her postponed surgery. She is in the process of removing those body parts that mark her as female, soon she will be a he. The distance of transgender faith is no longer far, but within grasp of my finger tips. Far enough still I could ignore it, yet close enough that it will haunt my prayers.

Three or so years ago two girls came into my office to applying for work. They interviewed well, and seemed reliable - so we offered them jobs. As they left my office my boss looked at me and said - they are definitely homosexual. She said it so matter of fact, I was a bit taken aback - but only a bit,, while I loved this woman she was loud and was prone to speaking her thoughts. Her own adopted mother was a lesbian so I knew her acceptance of homosexuality was there. Still as an active Christian it surprised me to hear her label someone as such. Here I am three years later, and one of those ladies still work for me. She's gone through a lot. A year ago I had to have a write-up with another employee who was discriminating and harassing her because of her sexuality and faith. She had left our company to work for another and had moved in with a more steady partner. She had attempted to get married in Chicago only to hit roadblocks. Her wife's grandfather who had become a dad to both of them passed away a few months later. They both had been trying to get pregnant and finally she was expecting. I believe she was two weeks away from her second trimester - and then she lost the baby.

All of a sudden my guard, my standoffish stance was down. Here a woman, just as much a woman as I - was experiencing one of the most painful losses a woman can - the sudden loss of a life so longed for. See this woman is active in her church, helps lead worship, and is active with helping the poor. But unfortunately she stinks as an employee - her health and life situation causes her to be late, or absent almost every other day. Her faith has caused wrestling and annoyance in my personal life, and her work has caused disturbance and instability in my job. To be honest she has been more a thorn in my side than someone I would speak positively for. It was only a week ago when I was shown by the Lord and others that I had been standoffish to her, that I was treating her less than others - and I was convicted and repented, asking the Lord to help me because I had no idea what to do.

Today when I got her message, my heart swelled, and it keeps swelling as I think about her. Life - no matter how different, or contradictory - is a gift from God, a reminder of the imago Dei we each hold. I want to Google how to help her. I want to read the right article to make sense of her loss, to know how to speak the truth of what I believe to her, to understand how she believes what she does so I may have grace. But I find my questions crude and unrefined. I want to solve the insolvable. To resolve that which is not resolvable, to just have the answer so I don't have to wait in the ambiguity.

Oh how many times have we jumped to an answer, rushed to a conclusion, grasped onto a fragment of truth to avoid this mire? To avoid the waiting, the seeing, the being with that which we can't see or know? I have so often offered resolutions, given answers and helped fixed situations for my friends and family - sometimes with the Spirit and often without simply because it hurts sitting here.On the border of tears, and the verge of crying out - Abba, Abba, why have you forsaken me?

I remember a sermon, or conversation once with my pastors. They talked about the significance of just being with others in their loss. It wasn't something they had always known, but instead was something learned through an experience where the loss was without words. They came to the home or hospital of the loved ones, and truly had no words. The pastors felt inadequate, insignificant even and they left feeling like they did nothing to help. In the following days and weeks the family would tell them that their presence was healing, that they felt the Spirit's comfort in their being there. There were no answers, to resolutions, no cheap tricks to solve the overwhelming grief they were experiencing - there was simply the Spirit working through human flesh, touches from God through man's fingertips.

What would the Body look like if we stopped giving answers, quit manufacturing results and just sat in the room, representing the Spirit in the midst of pain and loss? What if my judgement could be left at the altar, and the bread and wine truly transform this feeble flesh into Christ's love? I am not saying we don't act, I am not advocating silence - but I am asking, what if we would just be the Body? Be the life that Jesus gave, rather than just speak of it.

I know I am one of thousands, if not millions of voices saying this same thing. Asking the Church - the holy, catholic church of Christ, what if? But truly, this question starts in my own heart, what would my faith look like in my job, in my home, in my school and in my church if I truly believed that Spirit goes with me? What if the atmosphere can change with my obedience?

Forgive this feeble flesh.
Redeem this lost soul.
How often I have left You.
Assuming You had to be restrained.
Fearing You must be absent from here.
Oh Father, I don't know,
Abba forgive me.
Give me strength to hear.
I believe, help my unbelief to follow You.

Me

One of my favorite movies of my youth had to be Princess Diaries. The odd, quirky teen meeting her royal grandmother and takes "princess" lessons much to her dismay. My grandmother was a San Franciscan debutante from the mid 30s, her single mother worked multiple jobs to provide her that access into society and it paid off when she'd marry my grandfather, the son of a prestigious dental family in Santa Cruz. My only memory of my grandfather was him making me sit at another table at a nice restaurant when I used my hand to get a piece of ice rather than a spoon - I was three. My grandmother and I would become very close and she'd often call me her favorite, but that relationship wasn't without consistent comments, decorum checks, and manners analysis. Unfortunately when Princess Diaries  came out I had started my teenage "I don't care about you, I'm drowning in my teenage depression" phase. By the time I'd get out of that, she'd be gone and I'd be here wishing I could take back that "me" phase.

There is a scene towards the end of the film, where Mia gives her speech. Everyone is expecting her to turn down the crown, but when she gets up - disheveled by the rain and running to get there - something else happens entirely. She talks about how many times she talks about "i", how every thought she has is for herself and what would happen if she took that towards the other, towards the people of Genovia. Her speech is clumsy, and in classic teenager fashion she goes down too many rabbit trails, but the point is made - what difference can I  make if I'm not just about me?

When I sat down to write this morning this scene played in my head. The awkward stumbling over words, the sincere determination in her act, and the warm approval found in the faces of those that loved her. I've lived pretty well in a "me" state, where even in the good acts for the other the thought of "me" flood them. To think of yourself is not a sin in itself, but when your loving others in the confines of what fits you, how it makes you feel, and how it affects you - then yes the second greatest commandment can not be fulfilled and you are walking in sin. I've been walking in good intentioned sin for so long. Cutting  off those parts that are hard to deal with, minimizing the memories, and holding onto what feels good to me. Like an addict facing the scope of their drugs affect, but uncertain of the ability to quit or not even sure if they truly want to - so to I sit here, pondering what the other side looks like, what does dying to myself really mean in the daily grind of parenthood, of marriage, of work, of family, of life? Is the cost worth the prize?

I think it's like the prodigal, for all the times he didn't come back - perhaps it was the uncertainty of what it would like that kept him away. Thus it wasn't until the circumstances were passed the point of any good thing, that the decision to go home was able to happen because nothing worse could happen. If wasn't a change in his heart that caused him to go home, not a sudden realization of the goodness of his Father, no it was that the circumstances could not get more dire, so would not his father care for him at least as poorly as these strangers. This is the view that keeps us away from the Lord, this is the posture of our hearts that prevent us from seeing the goodness of our Father. He is a foreboding deity, a righteous king, who's much like us demanding for us to be clean before entering into his gates. And we stand outside the Holy of holies, scrubbing the stains on our skin, trying to cover the wounds across our bodies, so that we may enter. But the water is as mud, and the soap a dye so permanent we can never scrub hard enough to rid us of its mark. Thus we stand outside the throne room, longing to go inside but believing only our clean hearts will be welcomed. But the king sits inside, awaiting in anxious excitement for his children. He sent out messengers for them to come as they are. As they don't arrive the King himself goes out, but in more  common clothes as to prevent shock, but his children don't recognize his face, and they spit at his declaration to come ad they are. He sees their scrubbing and offers them clean pools of Holy light in which they could bath and be made pure. But they sit in the mud, scrubbing with no end in sight - outside the gates....

For many years this is how I envisioned the Lord. He is a good king for He invited me to his home, but I must make myself good to go before him. I had to scrub off the dirt, and sometimes or even often times it seemed to work. But it would take days, or even weeks before I'd enter I to His presence when He would've taken me just as I am, right then. In recent years instead if looking at my own dirt, I've restricted His grace, limited His reach and said "he can not take me here, he can not wipe away these sins, they are the death of me." It's amazing how when you believe something how much the world seems to change to fit that belief, hence my worldview became one of action, and little space for a Spirit's move. It was one of consequence, and grace was only for the internal sins, not those worldly vices like money.

Perhaps then we are doomed to live bound by the chains we put on ourselves, to drown in the mud we swore was healing water... We can put on blinders so tight than even light cannot enter in. But that presumes a passive God, a Spirit that cannot reach, a Son whose sacrifice could only go so far. Yes I can ignore the Light, I can deny the flame in front of my eyes but that doesn't stop the Lord from being present. My denial does not restrict the I Am, so He is so much more than I.

Lord help me to see you.
To take down that which blocks me from you.
To not fear the unknown for you are ever present, and we are not alone.
Abba, good Father, intimate King, forgive this foolish girl.
Pride, fear, strength, and control are my vices, that which I hold so dear.
Manipulation, rebellion, anger and hate these are the monsters that have taken up room in my heart.
Righteous warrior, serving soldier, daughter of grace, and of joy, these are my names and I claim them.
Spirit convict in me Truth righteousness, love and sacrifice. Help me to love because You loved first, not for my own gain.
Forgive me Father for I have sinned, cleanse my lips, purge my broken sight and make me new, precious Jesus.

I(n) justice

Of late the news has been overflowing with updates of the latest injustice. Living wage. Women matter. Black lives matter. War spreading. Disease killing lives and economies. Bigotry. Biased.

To be honest it can be overwhelming. But as I felt the Spirit tell me months ago, She holds all causes within the Godhead - I am called to obey and follow where God leads me and pray for all.

I have spent the last four and half years dedicated to a job. While other parts of my life have been important, when I rise and when I lay my head to rest the responsibilities of Sodexo have been in my heart. In many ways I feel like I've given my best to this place. They have given me in return as well, I've been given opportunities, education, experience and training that is invaluable. But it's not been without blood, sweat and tears.

My father has often reminded me of my name, Traci and it's meaning. Demanding on the origin it can mean industrious, determined or warrior. I have lived these all in my job, often forgetting the grace that flows from the Spirit and God knew when my parents  gave me the middle name Anne.

Last night at our corporate Christmas party, I wept. I wept for the injustices. Of the world. Of the wage gap. Of the fact that if I live in poverty then how much more do my counterparts earning almost half of what I do. I sinned in my weeping as I directed my pain to man rather than the principalities and powers of injustice, and then lamenting to the Lord. This is why I see that often times I respond to injustice as more my interpretation of justice or I (n)justice. I wept, my heart still is heavy - I may never recover. But I hope the Lord will tighten my lips, soften my heart and ready my knees to pray like I've never prayed before..