Memories

Today was the 9th year since my grandmother passed away.

It's funny how we can build our life in relationship with or contrast to those who have been a part of our lives. In memories that I have of my Nanny - most of my life has been influenced by the contrast of who she was.
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1. She was an alcoholic I remember being between 10-12 and trying to help her make into her bedroom, her breath strong with Vodka (her drink of choice) as she stumbled and fell - mostly crawling to the room. My father has memories of similar scenarios most of his childhood. While I enjoy alcoholic beverages, a beer or glass of wine, I will never buy or own Vodka nor do I order drinks that contain it. Because of her alcoholism I have decided to never have hard liqueur available in my home and refuse to have much drink available to myself. 
1. Yet she did not stay an alcoholic  My aunt and my father told her that relationships would be cut off if she didn't get help. But no progress was made. When her best friends called "Le Girls" got involved, threatening the same disconnect my Nanny entered into the Betty Ford Rehabilitation Clinic in California. From that point on she never drank again - though she certainly missed it and often bought O'Douls in the alcoholics stead. It was a drink I could enjoy with her as it was non-alcoholic, and it made me so greatly appreciate the change in her.
2. She doubted God. Growing up in a matriarchal home of San Francisco becoming a debutante in the backdrop of WWII - God was always present but rarely active. She and my grandfather loved the Episcopal Church - it was the tradition they were married into, gave their membership, attended, financially supported and would be remembered in. Yet I remember when Da Vinci Code came out. I had heard of the controversy but thought little of it; that was until my Nanny and I were in a hotel room laying in bed reading our respective books. Nanny mentioned something about doubting God, wondering if the book was true and not being certain of God. I died a bit inside at that. Having met God in a real way at the tender age of seven and being called into the ministry shortly thereafter I couldn't fathom doubting His presence - especially through a work of fiction. I made some comment on trusting God, and tried my best theological encouragement my tween mind could muster - all while tears ran down my face being hidden by the lamp between our beds. 
1. Yet in her doubting, and her wondering and wanderings I know she knew Him. Her life had not reflected His glory as it could have, nor did she have the faith I knew she could have had - but she knew Jesus. When I heard her diagnosis of cancer the third time around in almost two decades I knew it was the end of her life. I didn't know when she'd die, and honestly I think my dad and I forgot we mourned her imminent death that day we heard the news of cancer. But in the midst of it all - those last few months I did not doubt her place in heaven. I knew she'd see Jesus on the other side and He would welcome her home. I know in earthly forms it would be a bit uncomfortable and foreign to her but her eternal soul would rejoice at the home she would be in. 
3. She doubted who I was. During my tween years when many peers had boyfriends, I did not. I had had a friend ask if I was a lesbian because my intense turn off to guys. In reality it was not the lack of attraction to the opposite sex, but rather the intense pain I had felt after years of bullying and exposure to sexual perversion. Being asked your sexuality as a conservative, Christian tween in 2000 was anything but an encouragement of your identity - at least for me. My Nanny asked me the same question around the same time. At the time I was hurt and shocked but thankfully I was able to let it go, and quickly. In hindsight it honestly seems non coincidental that that question was brought up - if I had allowed others to speak into being their perspective of my identity then or ever, I would have lost myself. God protected me from carrying that burden. I still wish Nanny had never asked that, that she would have known me better. But I know she would now and I wouldn't be as afraid to say who I really was.
   
4. I am grateful for the gift of journey she gave me. Living in Colorado to her Californian location meant either I wouldn't see her or she'd have to fly me out to see her. My sister Lizy and I were very blessed to have the opportunity to fly many times in our early, early childhood (5-8) and visit my Aunt Traci and Nanny in California and other places around the West. We visited Yellowstone and other parts of Wyoming, traveled to many parts of California and other states. Nanny and I would go on an East Coast Tour (ironically during September 11th 2001). Nanny had planned on taking us to Kenya on a Safari until she got cancer the 2nd time. She and my grandfather had worked hard for their wealth, and in their 40s and 50s traveled around the world. Her house had treasures from all their visits. She had hundreds of National Geographic magazines. I was exposed to diversity and culture in her home - though abstractly rather than experientially. The stories of being in Tiananmen Square right before the protests, visiting presidents, eating dinner with Bob Hope, seeing Moscow and St. Petersburg, experiencing the African safaris. It was a dream as a child hearing of these tales. I fell in love with traveling from her. While she had stayed in the same area of the country her whole life, she traveled and experienced worlds I only could imagine. Her grandmother had been a Norwegian immigrant at the turn of the century - and married a sea captain only to find out he had a woman at every port. The familial folklore is that she was the first woman in San Francisco and perhaps California to file for divorce. I heard the stories of the Great San Francisco Fire, and felt as though I was there right in the middle of it all. Nanny could weave a tale, that honestly left you longing to hear more. As an adult I wish so much to remember those stories, to hold onto my heritage and the beauty of family. 
5. I am grateful for the gift of hospitality. This is a gift she gave me, one that I have heard a couple times and it wasn't until this week that I got "hit in the face" by its truth. While serving and overseeing an event at church, I was walking around making sure everyone was content, eyeing the atmosphere to ensure an enjoyable evening. In the midst of this I felt incredibly distant from the situation I was in, though I was physically close to many people. I felt alone in the midst of a room of friends and siblings in Christ. It was then that I was reminded of the memorial of Nanny. Many old friends and acquaintances showed up for her, and I remember doing a similar thing like Friday night. I walked around, greeting, ensuring others were okay, consoling friends, smiling, making sure everything looked and felt right. I had spoken during the service and received many compliments afterwards. Those words went right through me, and while I appreciated them it left little impact. I wanted to make sure everyone was okay, it wasn't about me. It that celebration and memorial I felt as though I was making my Nanny proud in living up to the Bliss name of excellence. It was certainly not my motivation but I felt that as I stood back looking around the room. Nine years later I found myself doing the same thing - attempting to make another person proud and having the situation live up to their name and reputation. I went back to the nursery and teared up at the memory of my Nanny. I told Phil that perhaps my hospitably gift was just working out of a wound and that maybe now it'd be fixed and I could move on. Instead of agreeing with me, he asked maybe this was my calling. That this gift of shepherding a community with specific hospitality intentions was not just genetic mishap, or response out of loss but a gift and calling God had, and would continue to form in me. 
1. I never went to a party that Nanny hosted. But I heard they were amazing. She was a charming woman, who was able to take care of the details while seeing to the relational needs of her guests. While my grandfather had been alive they were known to be the life of the party - and certainly the hosts of the party. I have been called the life of the party (though certainly not in the same fun way my sisters and brother are). I have been much too serious most of my life to allow fun, but I would hope I bring life like my Nanny did.
2. I want to bring life to the dead and dying. I want to offer light to a darkened world. I have prayed over and over that God would make me endlessly thirsty for His waters so I would overflow in order for the world to taste and see that the Lord is good. I have a philosophy and theology of intentional community, and I could weave you a tale of why I believe that will save people. Stories can often bring one to the door of salvation, where all you are is a knock away from meeting your Savior. I want to facilitate that kind of hospitable community. My dad always said I was like my Nanny in that way, but I never heard him. I never wanted to, but now I do. I am grateful for the stories of those who have gone before me - whether they understood who I was or not. Their stories, their relationships fed into me life that pushed me to the Truth and the Life. There is so many things I wish I could apologize to my Nanny for, so many things I wish I could demand from her now, there are many wishes but I am learning to be ever so grateful for the gifts I received from her. 

I have prayed for a certain healing on and off for the last 3 years, ever since my wonderful professor Dr. Daniela Augustine mentioned it in our Coffee, Cake and Theology meeting. It is the idea of having our memories redeemed. If the God of the universe has healed our bodies, saved our souls, and brought us into new covenant with Him, He can certainly help our minds be made new. For many of us this means make right the memories we have. He does not change the experiences we had, but rather offers us the perspective of glory throughout those experiences. Rather than only seeing the darkness we can begin to see the light threaded throughout our life. I look forward to walking more fully into that healing, my fractured memories need it. But I am grateful that I can see a glimpse of that now and want to thank the Lord for letting it begin with the wonderful grandmother I had. I greatly appreciate how my Heavenly Father has weaved through this last week (which saw the birthday and death of my Nanny) circumstances to help me see her impact on my life and His desires for me. It is healing thought indeed to see God's intentional love in our daily life. 

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Jesus Lord of Heaven
I do not deserve
The grace that You have given
And the promise of Your Word
Lord I stand in wonder
Of the sacrifice You made
With mercy beyond measure
My debt You freely paid

Your love is deeper than any ocean
Higher than the heavens
Reaches beyond the stars in the sky

Jesus, Your love has no bounds
Jesus, Your love has no bounds

Your love is deep, Your love is wide
Your love is great, Your love is high
Your love is all we ever need
Your love is all we ever need

Friends

Dear Friend,

Thank you.
While we've had our ups and downs, and our odd therebetween - the months we wouldn't talk, and the late evenings we enjoyed in each others company - I consider you a friend. One I'd willingly lay my life down for. Of late its certainly been the months of not seeing each other; life happens. The obstacles we must overcome in our own lives can often cloud the ability to be with another - I understand this but I am sorry I didn't help carry you as much as I wish I could have.

You made my day. Even in these awkward in between you showed your humor and playful side by meeting us in our isolated state. While the masses went straight you veered to the left just so we wouldn't feel so alone. You didn't have the necessity to partake in the 'special' bread, and yet you did - for my sake, so I wouldn't look 'so sad'. Friend, you brought an inexplicable joy in such a small gesture.

Yet you did not stop there, in the midst of the altar - while seeking the Lord for His presence, you stayed. Your tarry turned into hands on prayer for us when no one else did. You saw us, when all the eyes were turned toward another. In the midst of a community of 'ins' you, on the outside remained there with us, your love has rocked my soul in profound ways. Thank you.

I wish I could make this world right for you. Turn back the clock, undo the pains that have been caused by you and others. To return innocence lost. Yet we live in a world of consequences, but I pray.... I pray for grace inexplicable, healing unexplained, miracles anew for you. That the grace you bestowed, whether unwittingly or fully knowledgeable  would be heaped onto you a hundred fold. I knew in that moment of veering, that act of tarrying, I would never be alone - that if the world started to come undone you would be there. Even if there is months between us again, thank you brother and sister for being my friend. I pray that the Lord lifts you to high places, far away from the reaches of condemnation and the world's hypocritical judgement. I love you, and His love for you overflows like the ocean.

Yours most sincerely,

Sister in Christ

Losing Taste (A Very Honest & Transparent Prayer)

I'll be honest, really honest....
I can't taste the difference between Coca Cola and Coke Zero. Frankly any dark sodas besides root beer taste about the same to me; Dr. Pepper to Diet Coke - they are all about the same. I have under performing taste buds. I have to have hot spicy food all the time, as it offers flavor to my otherwise bland palate. Coffee tastes like bitter water unless it is really dark or has lots of sugar.
So it seems has been my conscience.
With certain sins I feel them, I 'taste' them and I hate them. But very often my tattered soul has grown immune to the convictions of sin. I mean I know that it is wrong but rarely do I feel a conviction and thus have little to no change in certain areas of my life.
I don't know how to fix this. Honestly I don't think I can. I don't know if I have the strength though to ask God to fix it either. I mean really, who wants to intimately know their wrongdoings?  Wouldn't life be easier if we were all a bit more numb to the ugly things that control us? Just going through life blind to the areas that have us bound....
And yet this is the life of the sinner, of the lost, of the rejected and rejector.... How can a daughter of the Light desire darkness instead? I think it comes from being violated, being taken advantage of - having the imago Dei, the Image of God marred in our very beings. That large rock of hurt, the plank in our eye prevents us from seeing what could be as we are always drowning in the what has been. Honestly many of us have good reasons to never move forward. If that rock stays long enough we have worked our entire world around it, if the plank were to be removed after such a long stay we may very well be overcome by our new eyesight. It's hard to remove the plank, the rock when it was put there or at least had assistance on its way. When abuse, of any kind, comes onto another well it's even easier to justify our stagnant state. Add onto that perversion of sexuality, we see a broken and tattered soul too tired to fight anymore.
I don't know if I can change, and honestly I don't know if I want to. The other side is.... well I see it as a blinding light, where you are unable to see what lies ahead; there is no outline, no guess, no map - its simply the other side. Whereas if I stayed here, in the darkness, my eyes have well adjusted to my dimmed surroundings and I am comfortable in my stumbling around in this blackened cave.
Yet....
I hear His voice.
You know, that voice that speaks without words and yet you know its every phrase?
That melodic voice that resounds throughout creation, beckoning us to the Creator?
I wish to run away from His voice, act as though I don't hear it.
I don't want to lose my life, even if You say I'll find it anew.
Its a price too much, a trust too high.
It's not just my mind You ask for - I can easily offer that.
It's not just my heart You seek - see I have already given it.
It's not my spirit You long for - as You have already dwell in.
You ask for my body, the tangible, fragrant, sensuous, human body....

I have never caused harm to my own body,
Yet it feels battle worn.
I have never offered myself to the pagan gods,
And yet I feel a worn temple prostitute.
I don't know if I can trust,
but if You come - maybe I can.
You walked on these dirty roads,
and felt the touch of joy and pain from human hands.
So I will say -
I believe, but Oh dearest Lord, help my unbelief.
If You draw me, I will come,
But please walk with me all the way.

Wonderful

I haven't been able to get a certain worship song out of my head the last couple of days. It plays on repeat in my head and calls me away to the One to which it refers.


Said, let there be light
To a dark and formless world
Your light was born
You spread out Your arms over empty hearts
Said, let there be light
To a dark and hopeless world
Your son was born

You made the world and saw that it was good
You sent Your only son, for You are good

What a wonderful maker
What a wonderful savior
How majestic Your whispers
And how humble Your love
With a strength like no other
And the heart of a father
How majestic Your whispers
What a wonderful God

No eye has fully seen how beautiful the cross
And we have only heard the faintest whispers
Of how great You are

You made the world and saw that it was good
You sent Your only son, for You are good

What a wonderful maker
What a wonderful savior
How majestic Your whispers
And how humble Your love
With a strength like no other
And the heart of a father
How majestic Your whispers
What a wonderful God

How majestic Your whispers
What a wonderful God

 I haven't had the time as much to spend with the Lord in the mornings. It's amazing how one decision will affect your entire schedule to such a deep magnitude - so I have been spending only a short while and have tried to soak in His presence rather than impress the world with my profoundness.

Sometimes I don't feel especially made; my identity as a created one by the One who was not created, often gets lost in the shuffle.

Phil has been focusing on the beauty of being created, being formed the way we are - rather than fighting against the DNA we've been given learning how to embrace it for the glory of God. For those of us whose gifting, passions, and personalities fit in society well (myself and many extroverts) this process tends to be a holding back and a practice in humility. For those in society that are 'on the fringe' or whose personality doesn't light up a room, well those people are out of luck most of the time. If you are reserved = shy. If you sit back when the rest go up to the altar = not in the Body. But perhaps how we've been doing life, doing 'church' needs to reflect the wholeness of the Body of Christ - anticipating the diversity of the 'made ones' and looking forward to their unique contribution.

Sister - you have a heart of empathy I will never have. You have and will continue to express the heart of God in such a real and convicting way. Don't conform to the world's expectations of 'control'. Let your spirit be submitted to the Spirit who gives comfort and counsel - trust on Him. Don't lose you, while trying to gain our approval - let the Lord guide you into all righteousness and wholeness so that your gift will light up the world. You have a strength from the One who is both strength and love - look to Him as you have been made to be.

Brother - I'm sorry your heart has been wounded. That the sweet and gentle nature was often rejected, and your voice of discernment never heard. You offer the father's heart - both protector and judge, giving compassion and allowing consequence. Be weird, be on the 'fringe'. Don't change. You stand as a light to remind us that we never have God fully figured out. Don't be afraid to speak, walk in the obedience you have been given. Hear that majestic whisper and have peace in who you've been made.

Don't expect others to meet your standards of reality. They won't and honestly they can't. So often it seems that when a member is filled with the Spirit we expect a change of personality - the introvert will be made bold. Yes, I know and have seen that with the power of the Holy Spirit so that the introvert will be bold in their witness - but don't assume you know what their bold is. There is so much diversity, and wonder to the Body of Christ. If we can't accept and love the other who will?! As a wonderful pastor/teacher preached once, we are to be the branch to the world. Being grounded in God, if we let our branches grow the more of the world we can reach. If we only offer the branch to those we 'understand' our tree will be quite sad and many members will never find the rest that can be found in our branches.

God I want to remember the wonder of being made, being formed to who You've made me to be. Help me to hear Your voice in the midst of the masses - and know I am made in You, a beautiful creation that offers a part of Your heart to the rest of the Body. I am not the beginning or the end of the Body, but my part is significant as its member - help me not forget the diverse parts.

Anticipation

Have you ever looked forward to something? 

Sometimes it is as simple as seeing a movie trailer, and being really excited for the 'real' release.

Sometimes it is the promise of an adventure, a Disneyworld trip, something that is distant but within grasp.

Sometimes we anticipate a future we can see though it is not in our immediate future - marital engagement often embodies this.

At an even further anticipation, sometimes we long for a future that is not even sight, a future we have been promised, something we don't know how it'll happen, a future we so desperately want to have present NOW that is hard to keep going under just this promise of a someday.

Often the latter is the most likely to be disappointed. The longer we anticipate the deeper the dejection will cut if the promise is not met. 

I have never wanted a promise to unfold as much as I do now - and the irony of it all is that it's not even for me. 

As children we don't typically think about how an unfulfilled promise of a DisneyWorld trip will affect your siblings, your parents or your friends - its a pretty self focused disappointment. 

As an adult and when you have eyes to see, and you see a promise in-limbo it can be a pretty wrecking experience, especially when no action of yours can quicken its fulfillment. 

I always wanted to believe in physical healing, and I have experienced some healing myself - but nothing unexplained.  I've never seen a limb grow, a cripple walk, or the dead rise. In fact I have seen those who have held onto a cancer healing die, and leave broken families behind. Its hard to believe in physical healing when you have never seen it. But you want to; the Bible is full of miracles, incredible things happening, often in unconventional ways.

I want to anticipate, but I don't want to be let down. 

As a child I believed in the promises of my father: treehouses, tire swings, vacations, adventures, presents etc. After a handle of delays, and often forgotten promises never came to pass the anticipation wore down to light cynicism  and as time went on "realistic expectations" set into place  - I knew the grandiose promises of my father would never come to pass. One day as an adult I joked with my father about the many unfulfilled promises - and his response surprised me. 

I fulfilled all of those promises. Yeah it didn't happen at the time you expected, and sometimes looked different than you planned - but I can not remember a single promise I did not keep in some form and fashion.

After more reflection I realized for the most part he was correct - the tree house turned into a golf cart and 40 acres of freedom, the tire swing happened a few years later, and that adventure was my 16th birthday trip to Israel and was certainly more than I could've asked for. I saw all this, to say - if my fully flawed earthly father can keep his promises to me, how much more will my perfect Father keep His word? 

"So I say to you, Ask, and it will be given you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you. 10 For everyone who asks receives, and everyone who searches finds, and for everyone who knocks, the door will be opened. 11 Is there anyone among you who, if your child asks for a fish, will give a snake instead of a fish? 12 Or if the child asks for an egg, will give a scorpion? 13 If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

With this promise in hand I say anticipate, hold fast to the promises you have been given. Don't assume you know how it will be fulfilled, remain open to His Spirit - He sees are life beginning to end, He will not leave you without hope. Believe beloved, and I've believe alongside you - He will show up. 

Anticipate

don't let go of this faith

Hold fast

looking forward with hope

Push down

the walls the creep up

Remain soft

though failure is possible

Never give up

Don't let doubt steal tomorrow's joy

As the night

envelopes the light

Remember

dawn will rise and the Son break through

Anticipating

Your presence, Your heart

But I know

You may come in a whisper

In the thunder

in the fire, in the cloud

But Lord You will come.

Shake my lethargy

Break my despondency 

I will hope in you

Harden me against offense

As You may come in a way I never anticipated

But Jesus, I know

You will come.

Holy Spirit flood in

Father You won't let us drown

But we will swim in these waters with You.

Let the lame walk

Let the blind see

Let the deaf hear the name of the Lord

Bring Your breakthrough

And the broken hearts,

though they may be many,

will be made new,

will be made whole in You.

Bring Your breakthrough. 

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Don’t want to be ashamed

The day I see Your face

Keep my footsteps firm

Hold me in Your grace

I want to be found faithful

I want to be found steady

I want to be found faithful

Until the end

Going, Going Round and Round

Ever feel those moments where you are fit together like pieces of glue stick? The barely sticky, certainly not permanent, mostly dry glue stick? No? That's good, and you are probably wiser than I am. I do relate unfortunately, and I often try to get through life like a dried up glue stick. However unlike the lost cause glue stick, I am neither a glue stick nor am I a lost cause. If I reach back to the One who gave me life He is faithful to make me new, to draw me in - and I will once again have substance and purpose.

I often forget the simple things in life. I have a few new beautiful friends that bring the beauty of love and simplicity so elegantly into my life. One is a young mother whose eye for nature and the beauty of God's creation pulls within me the desire to get down in the dirt and create too. The other is a lovely young woman, whose physical conditions burden and inhibit her desires - yet she is the most welcoming, genuine, and warm person I've ever had the pleasure to befriend. They are anything but simple people, but they take the love of Christ and make it simple - a gift to be begotten and to be given. I want to relish life like they do.

I don't know if you are a hypocrite, but I am amazed at how often I am. No sooner were those words typed from my fingers than did I snap at my loves for disrupting my "me" time. I am a doer, and when I am done doing I desperately need to be or I start to lose it. But this need to be can not be lost in the midst of being. I must always be available to those I have pledged my love and life to, even before cleaning the house, making dinner or 'doing' anything else for them. I tend to the same thing with God. I will take time to be only after all the doing has pushed me to its edge.

I've always related more to Martha for this reason - also defending her and desperately wanting to understand her. I've always wanted to be the Mary, able to simply enjoy His presence - but rarely do I feel such a gift bestowed upon me. This week or so I have been a dried up glue stick my heart and attitude have been fairly 'me'-centric and I've lost sight of the glory of God. Guiltily I know why, its not a mystery and in fact its quite simple. I've been doing and I am on the edge of doings work and I'm about to snap since I have not taken the time to be in His presence. I've fallen asleep during quiet time, stayed busy during the day, and at night fallen into bed without a second look. But He has been knocking, reminding my heart that it is empty without Him - and my character, my body, and my spirit can attest to His absence.

Worship is the place I find my ability to be. Rarely is it corporate, and typically it takes time to push out the excess words to allow my spirit to sing to the King - but when it happens I never want to leave. I love prayer rooms for this reason, the presence and intimacy of the Lord is ever tangible in spaces set aside for the pursuit of Him. Phil mentioned this evening what I've been saying for three years - any mission we do is foremost a place of prayer, a dedicated space for the lost, the broken, the dry and the weary to find renewed strength in the presence of the Lord. In the intercession of holiness we find His face and are given strength for the morrow.

Dried glue
I'm that useless without You
Salt without taste
Is my being without Your life
Endless thirst
is all I feel without Your waters
Roll over me,
new life, new taste, new satisfaction
And I will run

Into Your Holiness
I will seek Your face in the darkness
I will stand in the gap before my King
Drawing near for the Love of Christ
Never giving up for the sake of His Name
I will remain

Light hidden
gives no hope to the lost
Hurts unforgiven
offers no safety for the broken
Mindless words
pain the desperate souls reaching
Spirit Indwell
take me, fill me, break me
And I will be

The reflection of Your glory
I am the broken bread being given
I am the clay vessel being poured out
Drawing near for the Love of Christ
Never letting go for the sake of Your love
I will pray

Holiness does not withdraw
But runs into the night;
With arms open wide
and a heart set above.
Holiness pleads to the Lord
"for the sake of one, forgive".
In the midst of loss
Holiness pursues the lost.
Regardless of name,
the Son drew nearer to the Father
and in turn stood in the dark.
Let me love like You love
Let me shine like You shine
I want to be holy as You are holy
I will, because You did, have and ever will be

Late Night Conversations

I was nestled and comfortable in my bed, when I received a call from someone I hadn't spoken to in years. She was at a point of crisis, and after two hours of talking we were able to resolve for a future hope. The next night the same conversation was rehashed in different ways, and two hours quickly passed. I expected quick and swift resolution. A "miraculous" fix to give a praise report of, that next week.   A few texts, and a more 2 hour conversations later I am beginning to realize the need for truth and hope on a daily basis. Honestly if we lived near each other I'd try to do a daily coffee date. But being a 26 hours drive and two time zones away, late night conversations are where we are.

It has made me humble. She is a wonderful person, who has found herself entwined in false truth - so beautifully guised that its deception is attractive and blinding. The enemy of our souls does not create, but he does twist and deceive. Speaking from personal experience, sometimes it's easier believing the lies than walking into truth.

It is in this bondage of deception where the verses and words of Jesus ring ever true.

“If you continue in my word, you are truly my disciples; ³² and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.” This phrase comes as an explanation to the disciples after Jesus has told the masses of His sacrifice, His death and references the Mosaic idea of being lifted up for our healing. (Numbers 21; John 3) Jesus doesn't leave us there but declares us even further free, "So if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed." 

Freedom is an acceptance of truth. Truth is often not easy, especially at first. Truth convicts us, makes us bare before the King. If it is TRUTH then there is NO fall back plan, no way to deny it or say it was perverted thus allowing a way of escape when the standards of truth is too high.

A truth is that Jesus died so we could be free. His death was given to us as gift, but it is an active present we participate in His death daily. Taking up the cross of self, and looking ever towards our Savior. We don't leave Jesus at death nor shall we stay dead. But being alive in Christ demands our willingness to die to ourselves in order to participate in that life.

So here is to more late night conversations - where Christ the TRUTH embodied can and will change everything; Restoring what was stolen, making right what had been twisted, and setting the captive free. Sometimes we just have to let THE Truth speak and He will not give us a snake, when we have asked for bread. Thank The Lord, He is Love.

Meaning what you say or saying what you mean

Did you know I love you?
I mean really love you?
I'd give up my everything, to just be with you?
Well I do, and I wish I could tell you that always.
My actions often counter it,
and my words are sometimes cruel.
But I love you,
from the sun, the moon and the stars -
and back.
So when I fail,
know it is with the best of intentions.
When I succeed know,
its probably an anomaly or the grace of our God.

I'm proud of you,
I don't say it often enough.
The love you have,
puts me to shame.
The care for our daughter,
I could ask for a better gift.
I am never alone,
God gave me a best friend,
who is far from perfect,
and yet is perfect for me.
I love you,
and I am sorry for being so unloving.

I want to better.
I prefer to stay lazy.
I will be better.
But through my own strength,
I can't not improve my steps.
I've believed I could change me,
for many years I have held this to be true.
That is until I fell in love with you.
My anger I can't surpress,
my pain I can't express,
and yet I want to be better.
My flesh does what it wills,
and my heart aches for its better.
So beloved, I ask the Lord with a humble heart,
to make me better.
For me, for you, for our daughter,
for our friends, for the lost, for the glory of God -
I will be more.
I will give my life fully to the cause of Jesus.
Burning my bridges of control,
giving up my need to be right in order to be His, to be yours.
I love you,
I want to love Jesus truly.
I love, but I can love so much more.
I promise you, through His grace I can and will be fully made until that glorious day,
when our faith is perfected, our love ever reflected into glory.
I love you now and forever.
My heart is yours, and it is God's.
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"You may not trust the promises
Of the change I'll show
But I'd be yours if you'd be mine

To have and to hold
A lover of the light"

Naked: Conviction, and Hope

This week was the end of the semester - a feat of victory and process of insanity. After Tuesday, I took two half days to simply recover. Today waking up at 7:45a felt like an feat worth announcing to the world. Aside from the chaos of work, balancing of employee lives, we have been proactively building relationships with our local church community and thus have busy mostly every night. (A good tired, but nonetheless even me the endless socialite found herself drained Sunday night.) This week has been a dance around conviction, obsession, and hope.

Conviction

We have all made mistakes. Some of them are quickly forgotten. Others have such a cause-and-effect that we live with their consequences for years, maybe decades. Finances and anger(control?) seem to be my biggest mistakes, my cumulative sins. Both tend to be rooted from the need to control, and the complete inability to control. Thus excuses flood my mouth when confronted about either of these, "I didn't know better", "I'm exhausted  I can't help it", "It's your fault not mine". I tend to push my inability to handle shame onto the next person to me - often my lovely husband. I have demanded control since our premarital counseling - though I preached it to be equality, it was a flipping of the gender being subordinated. There are dozens of reasons I can explain to you my anti-men feminism, a belief that really just put me into the position of causing oppression and hurt. But that is another story. Instead today is about conviction.
I don't handle shame, as I have already mentioned. I don't like to be wrong, no one does; but a wrongness that reaches down into my core - the motivator of my decisions - that is simply too much for me. I shutdown. I yell. I curse. I temporarily lose the blessed peace of mind my Savior afforded to me. But at the very least I will project that shame onto the other, causing them a depth of pain and condemnation too deep for a simple apology, and bind them to a sin not their own in order to afford my freedom. I've seen it with my husband, but have tried to pretend I don't see it, excusing it by the sins he has committed. However when you see it on a four old daughter of heaven, there is no ignoring that sin. What mother can leave her child tied in condemning bondage that is of her (the mother's) own making? I don't want to do that anymore. It's a cycle I've found helpful to avoid changing, but its time to change - time to stand in the Light and not be afraid of the condemnation I may find.

"But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me has not been in vain." 
"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. 2 For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death."

"God is not in control." A wonderful woman I know said that this week. I paused and realized the truth of her words. "He is sovereign  working all things to His good, but He is not a control freak." I responded that if God Almighty is not allowed to be a control freak, than neither can I be.
If we confess our sins He is faithful to answer us, forgive us, and He will make us new. I want so desperately to be new - particularly overnight if at all possible. An instant transformation of my character is preferred. And yet I have often heard the phrase of 'working out our Salvation', or the need to form character - something that is not deposited into ones self while sleeping.

I'm sorry. The Lord knows the depth of the sorrow I feel at the situations I have put myself in. But to you, the ones I have hurt I am so deeply sorry. I have never dealt with shame well, I hate feeling guilty. Especially when I can't fix it, and right now I can't. I don't deserve forgiveness - but I can't stay here alone, so I ask that you'd forgive me. I am wrong, have been wrong, and hope to be less wrong going forward. I will be brave through the power of His Spirit, I won't let the darkness envelope my soul because He dwells within me. I'm so sorry beloved, I will never be the same, please forgive me. 

Hope

In the midst of my short failings, and my large failings, of my complete decimation Jesus my Lord is faithful. One of my life verses have been Proverbs 13:12 "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life." Phil has seen me without hope, its a dark and scary place to reside. While we always have hope in Jesus, it is hard to imagine the intangible and He knows this. When He offers hope it is in part Him, His very existence offers us hope, but He understands our human frailty and often offers a tangible hope - a dream of the not yet. He offered hope this week. In typically me fashion I took that hope and began to make plans, figuring out logistics about to yell these plans from the rooftop. Until I was gently reminded by Phil, "God offered you hope. That doesn't mean that is what is going to happen, but He knew you needed hope and He gave it to you." How great is the Father's love for us! He knew I couldn't move, I was stagnate in this longing for hope - a future of longings fulfilled. While I hope that that specific hope comes to pass, I know that before it fails He will offer me another hope, and another, and another. He is an endless God, whose Spirit dwells within us offering comfort and hope regardless of man's logistics.

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So I rest on His peace.

"those who drink of the water that I will give them will never be thirsty. The water that I will give will become in them a spring of water gushing up to eternal life.”


"He alone is my rock and my salvation, 

my fortress; I shall never be shaken."