I'll be honest, really honest....
I can't taste the difference between Coca Cola and Coke Zero. Frankly any dark sodas besides root beer taste about the same to me; Dr. Pepper to Diet Coke - they are all about the same. I have under performing taste buds. I have to have hot spicy food all the time, as it offers flavor to my otherwise bland palate. Coffee tastes like bitter water unless it is really dark or has lots of sugar.
So it seems has been my conscience.
With certain sins I feel them, I 'taste' them and I hate them. But very often my tattered soul has grown immune to the convictions of sin. I mean I know that it is wrong but rarely do I feel a conviction and thus have little to no change in certain areas of my life.
I don't know how to fix this. Honestly I don't think I can. I don't know if I have the strength though to ask God to fix it either. I mean really, who wants to intimately know their wrongdoings? Wouldn't life be easier if we were all a bit more numb to the ugly things that control us? Just going through life blind to the areas that have us bound....
And yet this is the life of the sinner, of the lost, of the rejected and rejector.... How can a daughter of the Light desire darkness instead? I think it comes from being violated, being taken advantage of - having the imago Dei, the Image of God marred in our very beings. That large rock of hurt, the plank in our eye prevents us from seeing what could be as we are always drowning in the what has been. Honestly many of us have good reasons to never move forward. If that rock stays long enough we have worked our entire world around it, if the plank were to be removed after such a long stay we may very well be overcome by our new eyesight. It's hard to remove the plank, the rock when it was put there or at least had assistance on its way. When abuse, of any kind, comes onto another well it's even easier to justify our stagnant state. Add onto that perversion of sexuality, we see a broken and tattered soul too tired to fight anymore.
I don't know if I can change, and honestly I don't know if I want to. The other side is.... well I see it as a blinding light, where you are unable to see what lies ahead; there is no outline, no guess, no map - its simply the other side. Whereas if I stayed here, in the darkness, my eyes have well adjusted to my dimmed surroundings and I am comfortable in my stumbling around in this blackened cave.
Yet....
I hear His voice.
You know, that voice that speaks without words and yet you know its every phrase?
That melodic voice that resounds throughout creation, beckoning us to the Creator?
I wish to run away from His voice, act as though I don't hear it.
I don't want to lose my life, even if You say I'll find it anew.
Its a price too much, a trust too high.
It's not just my mind You ask for - I can easily offer that.
It's not just my heart You seek - see I have already given it.
It's not my spirit You long for - as You have already dwell in.
You ask for my body, the tangible, fragrant, sensuous, human body....
I have never caused harm to my own body,
Yet it feels battle worn.
I have never offered myself to the pagan gods,
And yet I feel a worn temple prostitute.
I don't know if I can trust,
but if You come - maybe I can.
You walked on these dirty roads,
and felt the touch of joy and pain from human hands.
So I will say -
I believe, but Oh dearest Lord, help my unbelief.
If You draw me, I will come,
But please walk with me all the way.
No comments:
Post a Comment