History

My intention is to wrap each post around a theme, a snapshot of a season - most often caught up in song. Life as a hymn is the url as a play on words - yes I am in a season of loving traditional Hymns but a hymn simply means praise. I want my life to be a praise to God and I am a person of many words - needing a place for reflection on this journey with Christ.

Have you ever read a history book you couldn't put down?

No?

I doubt it.

Have you ever read a book?

With few exceptions, a book is a story, a resource, factual and fantastical - books tend to be all encompassing. History is defined as the past as a whole. If you read a memoir - you read someone's personal history. If you read a factual perspective on the life of the sail boat - you read a history. If you delved into a fantastical world of wizards and magic - you read an imaginary history. When I say I am a history buff  - I mean I am in love with the story of life. Humanity, rocks, stars, sons, daughters, saints, sinners, billionaires, homemakers - each part of this Creation plays a part of history.

As a child I wished to know everything. Nay, I longed to know everything. I hated the inability to fully know another. If only I could attain the knowledge God has of the other - then I could truly know them intimately and fully. Had I been in the Garden and been offered a choice of that fruit - I don't know if I could have resisted. My father once made that comparison of my desire for knowledge to be similar to the Garden's forbidden fruit. Only God can know everything - and while I knew this to be true it made my heart sad. See the moment I know your history I have a chance at knowing you. Not the fabricated, socially acceptable version that I know now - but the waters that forged the path to where you stand now. As a relational soul this sounds liberating! Fully exhilarating knowing another, and how much better it would be to know every single other that ever has been or would ever be!

Then I went to New York City. I had spent time in LA, lived in Jerusalem, loved London but nothing prepared me for the streets of Manhattan and Long Island. Landing for a business trip, I felt the souls around me - the thousands and thousands, millions and millions of souls searching around me. I called my dad and cried. How could God handle it?! Seeing the brokenness around me, stole my breathe and hurt my heart. How could God hear every cry, answer every need, simply even know each one the way I am known? My desire for history sort of locked up then; and I believe I lost the key.

My husband as always been the prayerer in the family. When I would explain our roles, I'd describe Phil as the one who prays - he's the intercessor I would often say. It was true, being in a very social job (delivering mail on campus) he saw faces everyday and yet would have time alone to meditate in the walks and drives around campus. He prayed the entire time, keeping constant conversation with Jesus. While I never articulated it, I saw his commitment as enough for our family. I didn't need to pray for others, Phil has it covered. He was my crutch to not see people. I'd demand my right at restaurants, justify cutting people off in traffic, use my exhaustion as a means for my temper, ignore the beggar to my left as I felt uncomfortable, and I didn't see the need to know anymore. I was a cynic and skeptic - I wasn't even 23.

My job demands a balance between care and demand. I care about my employees but I have to demand their job performance or so it would seem. The tension of the Spirit and the numbers just never made sense. For the last three years Phillip has been telling me I could do more for God if I just listened to the Spirit in my job - putting God above man's expectations. God cares about me, and my employees He wouldn't put my job in danger unless a soul's salvation demanded it. Honestly I ignored him for the most part, saying you don't understand, yelling that he didn't have to deal with business and he was ignorant. Mostly I didn't hear because I didn't want to know. The individuals histories, the lives around me were to much for me to handle. The brokenness... I can't frame words now - it was too much to ask for, to allow the Spirit to work in my job. Because if God showed up, I may have to know again.

I built relationships with certain individuals - with whom I do believe there as an impact though I no longer have a relationship with them so I hope and pray it was good. But overall it's been a solo act, one on one. Honestly I have reflecting light - but its more like a CD reflecting the sun to blind your passenger as you attempt to shine it in their eyes. It certainly hasn't been like the moon whose sole light is from the Sun and its constant in its purpose.

I say all of that to say this - I'm beginning to see again, beginning to want to know again. Not just the rich and the powerful, not just the professor or the pastor - but the mom, the sister, the crippled, the poor, the lost, the immigrant, the son, the homeless... I want to know them all. And yet my heart breaks at seeing them. My knowledge is no longer dependent on my gaining of factual and sequential events or emotional ups and downs - the Spirit that dwells on every man, woman, and child lives in me and can open my eyes to what no human eyes could see. While I desperately want to know every part of their life, I have the Spirit who can direct my prayers to wounds I may never know. The Spirit of God who was, is and shall be, dwells in me and speaks to my heart the burdens to be lifted back up to the Father.

I want to know your history. Its hard seeing another's soul. Even caring the burden of my best friend and spouse is too much for this soul to bear. But with God all things are possible, and I do not carry this yoke alone - Jesus is beside me walking the entire way, the Spirit comforts me, guides me into all truth and I will see the face of my Father in time. I have only started to see again, desiring to know has just been re-birthed but I pray to never lose that - even if it kills every part of me, I never want to go to a life of spiritual isolation again. I am not a self sustaining oasis in my own transparency, I am a hand, a foot, a mouth, a part of the Body of Christ and I need you, and you need me. Let us carry our history together to the Cross, finding a new life in the midst of this mess - we can't do it alone.

Listener - Wooden Heart.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=K8k9rD7lx9c

Brave

Sometimes we need to just be encouraged. This morning was one of those. My sweet Adelaidy was up coughing a good part of the night, so I awoke this morning without the normal energy of a morning person.
I recently purchased a hymnal published by Pathway Press - Hymns of the Spirit. My little brother had been singing songs out of there and I was inspired.


Oh, how well do I remember how I doubted day by day,
For I did not know for certain that my sins were washed away;
When the Spirit tried to tell me, I would not the truth receive;
I endeavored to be happy, and to make myself believe.

But it’s real, it’s real;
Oh, I know it’s real;
Praise God, the doubts are settled,
For I know, I know it’s real!

When the truth came close and searching, all my joy would disappear,
For I did not have the witness of the Spirit bright and clear;
If at times the coming judgment would appear before my mind,
Oh, it made me so uneasy, for God’s smile I could not find. [Refrain]

When the Lord sent faithful servants who would dare to preach the truth,
How my heart do so condemn me as the Spirit gave reproof!
Satan said at once, “ ’Twill ruin you to now confess your state;
Keep on working and professing, and you’ll enter heaven’s gate.” [Refrain]

But at last I tired of living such a life of fear and doubt,
For I wanted God to give me something I would know about,
So the truth would make me happy and the light would clearly shine,
And the Spirit give assurance that I’m His and He is mine. [Refrain]

So I prayed to God in earnest, and not caring what folks said;
I was hungry for the blessing; my poor soul, it must be fed;
Then at last by faith I touched Him, and, like sparks from smitten steel,
Just so quick salvation reached me, oh, bless God, I know it’s real! [Refrain]
________________________________________________________________________

For those who know me intimately they understand the struggle of duality and double mindedness I struggled with as a young person. From the ages of 7 to 10, every altar call, every sinner's prayer at VBS, summer camp or the like - I was there asking the Lord to save me. I was uncertain in my faith. I think often it was because the deep divide of intense spiritual truth and destructive sexual sin and evil that compounded on me during those days. It's hard to stand firm, when the ground you are standing on keeps falling away. I loved the honesty of this hymn - the author's attempt to find happiness outside of the Spirit. This is not a heathen, but rather a believer struggling in their relationship - something I am all too familiar with.

In addition to a hymn I read a story about a wonderful young woman, Mary Fisher a Quaker from York. She is noted as one of the first 60 Quaker missionaries, and was one of the first to be persecuted physically by local governments. A woman imprisoned, beaten, rejected and yet she traveled around the world three times in a century that few did such things. She traveled to the America - the first time being rejected and imprisoned, went alone walking to Turkey - where she had an audience with the sultan with whom she shared the Gospel, and later settled in South Carolina till her death. The story I read revolved around the purpose of her trip to Turkey. Disregarding all recommendations or caution she traveled, a woman, alone, on foot from Greece to Turkey. She told all that asked "I have a message from the Most High God for the king". Her authority opened doors, that no man could have opened. Her commitment was striking, we have no journals of her journey just stories from those who came in contact with her. It is quite amazing. She delivered her message, to which the king replied it was good and it was truth - even inviting her to stay, to which she humbly rejected. There was nothing special about Mary, but her passionate commitment to her God and her faith. Hearing her journeys one can't help but reminded of the early church followers - whose drive was more than many of us could imagine today.

What does this all mean?

To be honest I am not sure. I believe we can find hope, no matter our circumstance. I believe that even in our division, our fear - perfect Love can come make us one. While I don't feel especially knowledgeable, or full of faith - if I rely on my Savior He can do anything through me. This faith is real, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. This God is Love, is Life, is everlasting Water, and we will never thirst again in His waters. So no, I don't know what it all means but I have faith that while I may not have an epiphany- I will have steady faith that perseveres in the most of mellow and extreme of circumstances. 

Bitter

"There is an evil that I have seen under the sun, and it lies heavy upon humankind.... All human toil is for the mouth, yet the appetite is not satisfied." Ecclesiastes 6:1,7


The tension of already, and not yet seems strong today. In the midst of decision, indecision  illness, crisis, melancholy, joy, depression and elation Ecclesiastes tends to resonant as a sound word. And yet...

I share this favorite song by Phil Wickham from his indie album.


Your words can satisfy
My every need
My cup cannot run dry

Your water flows within me
Your love has satisfied

My every need
Marvelous and holy
King upon the cross
I will serve You only,
Make my life Your own
I'll follow You forever
Give You all my love
Only You are God

My true and faithful friend
I cast my cares upon You
Your mercy draws me in,
Jesus
The mighty rushing wind
Brings me into Your presence
I call Your name again,
Jesus, Jesus

I am drawn to John 4. Currently a life verse of mine is John 4:14 "but those who drink of the water that I will give them will never be thirsty. The water that I will give will become in them a spring of water gushing up to eternal life."
How desperately do I long to drink that water!
To do away with this flesh and bones, whose weariness drains.
And still - it is already and not yet.
I cannot offer what I do not have.
I cannot empower, when I am powerless.
So arise.
Join the fight.
Drink the water.
Fall into the mystery.
Letting no man, no idol
keep you away from this Man.
I wait.
Stand strong.
Send laziness away.
Melancholy disappear.
Distress find peace in love.
He is faithful forever and always.
And so I will seek You, and find
All the longings fulfilled.
That have been set
Since the beginning of time.
Lord I believe,
Help my unbelief.
My body is ill,
my mind is worn.
Conflict still reigns,
wash over me.
In Your everlasting waters,
cleanse this sin, and make me new.
I will wait, I will trust,
You respond, You are there.
I love You Lord,
even if I don't feel it always.
You love me Jesus,
even in my disparaging faith.
Amen.

Plea

Safety pin me to your chest so I can stay put
Please don't leave me in this mess cause I am this close to unraveling, unraveling

Don't give up on me now, this can all be mended
We can iron this out, it can all be mended
When you're tearing at the seems, it can all be mended
It can all be mended now

Little walls are tumbling down, I feel them crumble
There's nothing left to tear down, there's only gravel
I'm breaking out, I'm breaking down

Don't give up, don't give up
Don't give up on me now, this can all be mended
We can iron this out, it can all be mended
When you're tearing at the seems
Tearing at the seems, it can all be mended now
_____________________________________________

I'm mad. Actually there are stronger words to describe my emotion, but they are not of benefit for anyone. 
I'm hurt. Devastated, wandering, and uncertain. I see and I can't be. The paths are trodden and we are lost in the dark. 

You are far, I am so close.
Yet we stand at the line, the same.
It's not fair, but it never really was.
I am not better than you, and yet...
Will He leave us alone?
Are we here to wonder, forsaken?
Wandering souls so desperately needing light.
A flicker of hope, and the darkness would crumble.
Why, oh God, why have You left?
Where are Your saints, the sons and daughters have all run.
I stand in the dirt alone.
No stone tossed, because no one showed up.
No grace tasted, as judgement was never an option.
Death, its drink runs smooth.
Life, it stings and burns my skin. 
Will You not intervene?
Will the saints not arise from their slumber?
The one is falling, and the 99 are safe.
Yet no one is arising,
and it breaks my heart.

Father, sweet Father speak.
Bring light, and I may live.
I don't know Your love, 
and Your judgement seems distant.
If I confess with my lips,
will my sins be forgiven?
If I trust in Your ways,
will my plague be lifted?
I can't walk to You, will someone carry me?
To the healing waters,
through the roof,
to touch the cloak,
of a healer, The Healer, Jesus.
Saints arise,
Brothers stand,
Sisters come along side,
for she can't do it on her own.

Why do you stand aloft?
Safe in your towers of stone.
Looking, and yet never seeing.
Judging, and never acting.
Loving in words, killing in thought.
Will you not arise?
Answer the call of your King!
You take upon His name,
what is this inaction?!

But I too am guilty,
for building ditches around the walls,
so no one can enter.
I have walked past as well,
hoping to not see their living hell.
Ignoring the cries I see,
acting blind - until these eyes are closed.
I am condemned by my own inaction,
my own self serving ways.

So what now?
I can't fix, what I never broke.
I can't heal, what I never hurt.
But then who can?
I can't change the immovable.
I can't light a burnt out candle.
Yet You can...
Breathe and dry bones dance.
Speak and life is made.
Touch and the wounds are healed.
See and I am made new.
Oh Jesus be true to her now.
I may have never seen lightening strike,
or witness a hand be mended. 
But I have heard Your stories,
I have trusted in Your ways.
So Lord move,
Fix what has been broken.
Heal what has been hurt.
Change the circumstances.
Light an everlasting fire,
burn anew and peace will find a home. 
I can't, but You can.
Please Lord do, do Lord....

Life for Him

I have been unsettled. I have been anxious, wandering in my thoughts and heart, depression sits at the door awaiting my call, and obsession lurks near by attempting to run in. My idols that I have built altars around, and worshiped are needing to come down - so the King can sit rightfully at His throne.

Sometimes we need to just be immersed in the testimony of the saints before. Reading hymns from my Great-Great (Great?) Uncle Phillip Paul Bliss, I see a window of such a testimony. His life and story is a beautiful read - close friend of D.L. Moody, he gave his life to the work of Christ and gave up riches for it, and his death a most romantic tale - escaping death in a train wreck he went back into the wreckage to save his wife during which he did not survive.

I have been wondering, wandering, and yet lazily awaiting a sign. The future, I wish I could turn off my head, and listen to my heart and spirit instead. Or ignore myself altogether to hear a tender word from my Lord. Phil and I always talked about our mission statement verse being 1 Corinthians 9:22b-23 "I have become all things to all people, that I might by all means save some. I do it all for the sake of the gospel, so that I may share in its blessings." I have been able to morph fairly well in the past, but what do you do when you can be all things to all people - when you have to make a chose between people?.

The marginalized by society  the lowly - food service employees. But can I save them in the midst of managing them - will I have access if I don't?

The college students starting out their collegiate journey. I can't let this one go, and yet I can't see us there.

The unknown - or do we reach out to those we see, walking in faith that God will provide?

I want to yell,
God I need to scream.
The anguish in my soul,
is too much and I am overcome.
Why shine Your light,
when I can't follow its path?
Why let me taste of Your good,
when the bread is hide from my grasp?
Why taunt me with life,
when death is all I feel?

Don't question me,
my heart is guarded and can't be overcome.
I am a closed book,
oh but so desperately awaiting to be read.
Leave me. Don't let me go,
This division is not of You oh God.
Settle my heart,
calm this divisive soul, breathe.
Selah.
Selah.

My head full of logistics,
My heart longing for change.
Scene oh Lord, change the scene.
But You whisper, it is the season that means the most.
While the landscape may change in front of you,
the world will remain in that same shade, same hue.
Unless you walk into My purposes,
the scene will never give you peace.
You can climb the tallest mountain,
run to the farthest seas, and yet...
The calamities, and distresses will remain,
the struggles, the annoyances, unchanged.
Run into My season - seek it most fully.
Fall into My new mind for you,
and the scene will be made new.
Seek not the acclaim of men,
seek My life and speak loudly of love.
Walk in truth.
Meditate in righteousness.
Seek My Spirit's fruit,
wander not in vain.
Let My Light shine through,
and I will be with you always.
Differing of seasons, changing of scenes,
through hard trials, and more of the same.
I am with you always,
seek Me and you shall find Me -
but seek Me with all of your heart.
Let no ounce be troubled,
no part held back from the altar.
Then you will see Me,
and the light for your path shall shine.
Move towards Me,
to gain Me, not just an answer.
Trust Me child, I know you,
you heart is not unknown to Me.
Be not troubled for I will provide,
trust Me, know Me.

Knowing Jesus

I started this blog with dual purposes. One I was falling in love with various hymns and wanted to share them. Two I was needing to redefine my relationship with God. While that may sound weird we all do that with other types of relationships. After a long time together as a couple or as friends or even family, we sometimes have to step back and evaluate how we are relating to each other. Sometimes through this reflection we can be made aware of issues, or learn to value that other even more. Other times we can find that while we are going through the same rhythm we don't actually know or even seem to care for each other.
My relationship with God tended to fall into the latter. Mind you, I have been moving towards God since I was a child; but my walk had become a crawl, that had turned into wiggling on the floor inching ever so slowly forward. Through the season of Lent, I was reminded often and profoundly of the faithfulness of God. He showed me His grace in finances, in church, in friends, in my spouse, in my daughter, and even my coworkers. A layer of dust had covered my lens, causing me to see everything askew but God wiped that clean to show me more clearly His work all around me. At the closing of Lent I found myself needing to discover Jesus. Liked I told my family last Saturday, my theology of Christ and even Soteriology is sound, but my personal relationship with Jesus was something I avoided. I understand God the Father - I have a great dad, so while my dad is not God and God is not my dad I have learned to trust the fathering nature of God because of my dad. I understand in part the Holy Spirit - having been raised Pentecostal, moved by the Spirit, comforted supernaturally in times of great distress I have seen the Spirit work in my life and around me. But Jesus...
Well Jesus is the name I said when darkness overcome my room. When principalities and power plagued my sleeping, my sanctuary, I could shout against the darkness "in the Name of Jesus" and the darkness would have to flee. But in recent times the person Jesus has been taken hostage it seems by any group who identifies with Him. From the radical conservatives, to the staunch liberals, and handfuls of different pockets of religion have used Jesus to prove their point. This has left me confused, wondering who is this Jesus fellow before the death and resurrection? His death I can theologize, His resurrection is my rescue - but what point is His life? I have often heard it is so God could identify with man, but I wonder if it is more so man could identify with God. The chasm of death and sin was so large, there was no bridge even in sacrifice that could fully cover that gap. Man would always be separate from God - unless.... It is in this unless, this exception we find the God-Man Jesus. This paradox, paradigm shifting, nature defying, man who was more than a good man, or great teacher. But God incarnate. I want to know that Jesus - not so I can prove a sociological point, or justify my political agendas - no I want to know that Jesus, because for God to become man demands so much even from God. The love, the care, the purpose, the design - it begs relationship! Step back, and look at God incarnate.... It strikes my heart, it makes me long to know this God-Man. I know there are limited circumstances I would want to incarnate anything to save anyone from the darkness. Yet God became man, so we could reach out and touch Him. We could see God, and know God in a way never before accessible.
I still struggle with Jesus' life. There are so many parables I don't understand, descriptions that turn my head, and parts of His work I simply don't get. But it is a journey and I intend to follow on this road.

Now to not seem hipster or trendy, but as I wrote those last words Awake by Mumford and Sons came on. In case you didn't know Mumford's parents started the Vineyard church in the UK - I often wonder the story there between the family. But their lyrics are similar to my heart this morning, after their song I included Awake, My Soul, and With the Sun a beautiful hymn by Thomas Ken.


How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
My weakness I feel I must finally show


Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free


In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
And where you invest your love, you invest your life


Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
You were made to meet your maker

_____________________________________


Awake, my soul, and with the sun
Thy daily stage of duty run;
Shake off dull sloth, and joyful rise,
To pay thy morning sacrifice.

Thy precious time misspent, redeem,
Each present day thy last esteem,
Improve thy talent with due care;
For the great day thyself prepare.

By influence of the Light divine
Let thy own light to others shine.
Reflect all Heaven’s propitious ways
In ardent love, and cheerful praise.

In conversation be sincere;
Keep conscience as the noontide clear;
Think how all seeing God thy ways
And all thy secret thoughts surveys.

Wake, and lift up thyself, my heart,
And with the angels bear thy part,
Who all night long unwearied sing
High praise to the eternal King.

All praise to Thee, who safe has kept
And hast refreshed me while I slept
Grant, Lord, when I from death shall wake
I may of endless light partake.

Heav’n is, dear Lord, where’er Thou art,
O never then from me depart;
For to my soul ’tis hell to be
But for one moment void of Thee.

Lord, I my vows to Thee renew;
Disperse my sins as morning dew.
Guard my first springs of thought and will,
And with Thyself my spirit fill.

Direct, control, suggest, this day,
All I design, or do, or say,
That all my powers, with all their might,
In Thy sole glory may unite.

I would not wake nor rise again
And Heaven itself I would disdain,
Wert Thou not there to be enjoyed,
And I in hymns to be employed.

Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

Prayer

Lord Jesus,
I threw the stone today.
As I stood proud, in my sinlessness,
I stoned my brother.
With 'righteous' indignation,
I brought justice or so it seemed.
Bringing words of correction,
Words full of worldly wisdom.
As they rained down, condemnation
Came flooding in.
Drowning the souls found in its wake.
And I stood safely above,
On 'higher' ground.
Oh Lord, I deserve not Your grace.
I tore down what You intended for life.
In my pride, I was blinded to truth.
Father, let me feel that weight.
Let my eyes be opened,
My mind made aware of my acts.

Its so much easier to stone,
What we do not understand.
To kill the awkward, the confusing;
To reject that which causes us discomfort.
How foolish is this pride!
How horrible is this 'justice'!
I see my bloodstained hands, and fear.
I cringe at the pain, the searing heat of conviction.
Grant me grace, though no grace I gave.
Correct me Lord, and draw me ever nearer to Your side.
Oh Precious Cornerstone, Make right the wronged, save the broken, heal the tormented - for man's stones merely bring death.
Forgive me Jesus....
Let me not cast another stone.

Small

Today has not started how I planned. But Mondays never do, something in their DNA demands derailing of plans. This particular morning it was a cockroach.

How quickly! How fleeting is this life.
Squashed under the boot of one so large,
the bug that derailed my morning was gone.
How much so is my life!
Blissfully unaware of the impending doom,
Awaiting simply to be squashed by the days.
Or perhaps there awaits,
a greater morn, a more glorious death?
I am no more than mere cosmic dust,
blowing to and fro in the wind?
Here today, and gone tomorrow.
Yet Oh Lord, Your boot I need not fear,
Your love much more than I to a bug.
While my time here is short,
You offer opportunity for joy, and great.
I need not cower in the dark
for fear of the boot.
But rather race into the light,
a child of the Most High!
Help my anger, help my rage,
help my sorrows to not overcome me.
Heal these wounds, exhort these sins,
Speak life into these weary bones.
I have no fear in life, no fear in death,
and as I look longingly to heaven's shore
You are here as I go.
Though I am small, Your Love reaches
Across the chasms of death into my life.
I need not thirst ev'r again,
As abundant life is found in Your waters.
I will swim in their depths,
Sinking until the Water overcomes me.
Baptize me with Your song,
Changing evermore my selfish melody.
Draw me into Your folds of Love,
and I will be a light of Thine Light throughout.
I will be Yours, and precious Jesus,
You, You are my mine.
I have not earned such great allowance.
Nor do I deserve such a gift.
Yet You are, therefore I can.

Inspired by John Newton's "Glorious Things Of Thee Are Spoken" and Luke 15.

Leading

Lead, kindly Light; amid the encircling gloom,
Lead Thou me on;
The night is dark and I am far from hoe,
Lead Thou me on.
Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene, one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor prayed that Thou
Should'st lead m on;
I loved to choose and see my path; but now
Lead Thou me on.
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will; remember not past years.

So long thy powers hath blessed me, sure it still
Will lead me on,
O'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent, till
The night is gone;
And with the morn those angel faces smile,
Which I have loved long since, and lost a while.

This is Lead, Kindly Light Amid the Encircling Gloom. I spent most of the morning sing/praying for my future. I even sang that I didn't need 20 steps, not even 4, but rather simply lighting my path to the next step would be enough. I was then led to this hymn, and the 23rd Psalm.

While I have walked with the Lord since the days of my youth (7), I have also walked with my pride allowing my will to rule even amid overwhelming situations. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to be lead on by the Light, the Truth, Jesus. This hymn is a beautiful reminder of this. The history behind it is funny, as the author never intended it to be a hymn, but it was written as a poem in the midst of illness almost to death and being stranded awaiting to go home. It is said even Queen Victoria had this sung to her on her death bed.

The 23rd Psalm reminds us of God's faithfulness to be with us along the path, along the journey. The Holy Spirit is ever present in the life of a believer, never leaving us even when we feel alone. Sometimes we see up the great hill we are about to climb, other times we have enough light to simply not falter. But trusting and asking the Lord to keep leading us on. In this midst of everything, outside circumstance and inward pride, seeking the Lord and He will be faithful to lead us. I say these words in part of faith. My mind runs around the logistics, the options, the choices, and I feel worn. I see no 'best'. But no best is needed, and I yet I write that I want no only the best - I want a life changing, future altering, world shaking change. My heart yearns so desperately for more, that point of complacency that has long kept me distracted - I want to shake it off and run into the fields of gladness. I want to not hesitate with words of wisdom, songs of praise, acts of worship - I want to be not simply wait a future being. I guess that is why it has been in making a decision - I see the potential for life changing, and I don't think I've expressed that even to Phil, or to myself or to God.

Lord Jesus, as You lead me on, quiet my spirit,
Only Lord, quiet it if that is Your desire.
If this brewing for change is of You,
Then please Lord let if overflow.
But if it is simply my human flesh,
bored with the scenery,
than Lord grant me contentment.
Wherever You lead me,
I will go, as long as You are with me.
Don't send me away from Your presence,
keep me safe laden in Your temple.
I long to hear Your voice,
as though a gentle whisper.
I long to throw off these shackles of this world,
and yet I know You are here.
So lead me on,
quietly, gently; loudly with thunder.
However You want Lord,
simply lead me and direct my steps.
I will walk in Your ways
and I will follow.

Resting

Jean Sophia Pigottt.

Never knew that name before today. But she is the author of one of my favorite hymns - Jesus, I am Resting, Resting. She was the eldest of family in Ireland in the mid-19th century. Her brother was a missionary to China, who murdered in the Boxer Rebellion of 1901. Her most famous three hymns was the aforementioned, Lord Jesus, Thou Dost Keep Thy Child, and Thou Whose Name Is Called Jesus. Just by the titles alone you seen a trend of a woman loving her Savior. She wrote a collection of poems and hymns called "A Royal Service" - a book you can buy on Amazon still.

I've been singing the lyrics, Jesus I am Resting, Resting, fairly consistently. Which if you know me is a bit funny. I don't rest, at least not in Jesus typically. I throw myself into my bed desperately seeking the solitutde and respite it offers - often because I don't take time to 'be' or rest during the rest of the day. My mind is churning a million miles a minute, my body fidgets waiting for the next action to be taken. Yet I often fall into sleep no more fulfilled than if I have sat on my bum all day.

The amazing things the internet allows! After searching Jean Sophia, one of the listings was were gravesite. I love cemetery's  especially old ones, walking through discovering the history and stories of those who have gone before. It can be quite a humbling, and even a spiritually renewing time. On the inscription of Jean Sophia Pigott's tombstone it says this,

Jean Sophia Pigott

who fell asleep in Jesus
Octbr 12, 1882
until the day break
and the shadows
flee away

"I shall be satisfied when
I awake with thy likeness".
PS. 17.15

She simply fell asleep in Jesus. The Psalm in reference to her death, is beautiful. There is no mention of her fame, her authorship, no great work mentioned. Yet if I came across her grave by accident I would wonder who was the women who loved her Savior? Will I leave such a remnant behind? In my death and in my life will others see me as lover of my Savior, a reflection of Jesus?

Here is the hymn in its entirety.


Jesus, I am resting, resting,
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.
Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee,
And Thy beauty fills my soul,
For by Thy transforming power,
Thou hast made me whole.


Jesus, I am resting, resting,
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.


O, how great Thy loving kindness,
Vaster, broader than the sea!
O, how marvelous Thy goodness,
Lavished all on me!
Yes, I rest in Thee, Belovèd,
Know what wealth of grace is Thine,
Know Thy certainty of promise,
And have made it mine.


Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus,
I behold Thee as Thou art,
And Thy love, so pure, so changeless,
Satisfies my heart;
Satisfies its deepest longings,
Meets, supplies its every need,
Compasseth me round with blessings:
Thine is love indeed!


Ever lift Thy face upon me
As I work and wait for Thee;
Resting ’neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus,
Earth’s dark shadows flee.
Brightness of my Father’s glory,
Sunshine of my Father’s face,
Keep me ever trusting, resting,
Fill me with Thy grace.


Oh precious Lord, sweet Jesus... Help me to keep trusting, to behold You Love, and know only it can satisfy these longings, these desires are met in You. I want to rest, in the midst of the chaos, as my world spins on a mad top - help me to rest in You. You are great, You are bright, You are good. Full of good grace, lift my face to Thee. Thank you Lord for Your love, Your kindness, Your faithfulness - draw me to action, draw me to rest - draw me to You.

Be Still My Soul

Very often I am discontent, looking longingly to a future yet known. This results in a lack of compassion for today, and even more a lack of passion and vision for God's work in the present. As I prayed for the Lord to direct me to a song this morning (my access of prayer to my Creator) I was led to the 16th Hymn in my Penguin Book of Hymns. It is called Be Still My Soul, and was written in Germany sometime in the 18th century but was translated into English in the 19th century by Jane Borthwick who published a book of translated German hymns with her sister Sarah Findlater.

Being a doer, as one who loves to serve, fix and organize I find the phrase "be still" to be almost oxymoronic and at the least completely foreign. But it is in these times with my Father I find the need to simply 'be' and let the Spirit minister to be. I hope the blessing of this hymn will impose the same ability to 'be still' with our Father for you as it did for me. Whether it is read or sung (to which I made up my own melody) it is an assuring reminder of our God's sovereignty.


Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.