I recently purchased a hymnal published by Pathway Press - Hymns of the Spirit. My little brother had been singing songs out of there and I was inspired.
Oh, how well do I remember how I doubted day by day,
For I did not know for certain that my sins were washed away;
When the Spirit tried to tell me, I would not the truth receive;
I endeavored to be happy, and to make myself believe.
But it’s real, it’s real;
Oh, I know it’s real;
Praise God, the doubts are settled,
For I know, I know it’s real!
When the truth came close and searching, all my joy would disappear,
For I did not have the witness of the Spirit bright and clear;
If at times the coming judgment would appear before my mind,
Oh, it made me so uneasy, for God’s smile I could not find. [Refrain]
When the Lord sent faithful servants who would dare to preach the truth,
How my heart do so condemn me as the Spirit gave reproof!
Satan said at once, “ ’Twill ruin you to now confess your state;
Keep on working and professing, and you’ll enter heaven’s gate.” [Refrain]
But at last I tired of living such a life of fear and doubt,
For I wanted God to give me something I would know about,
So the truth would make me happy and the light would clearly shine,
And the Spirit give assurance that I’m His and He is mine. [Refrain]
So I prayed to God in earnest, and not caring what folks said;
I was hungry for the blessing; my poor soul, it must be fed;
Then at last by faith I touched Him, and, like sparks from smitten steel,
Just so quick salvation reached me, oh, bless God, I know it’s real! [Refrain]
________________________________________________________________________
For those who know me intimately they understand the struggle of duality and double mindedness I struggled with as a young person. From the ages of 7 to 10, every altar call, every sinner's prayer at VBS, summer camp or the like - I was there asking the Lord to save me. I was uncertain in my faith. I think often it was because the deep divide of intense spiritual truth and destructive sexual sin and evil that compounded on me during those days. It's hard to stand firm, when the ground you are standing on keeps falling away. I loved the honesty of this hymn - the author's attempt to find happiness outside of the Spirit. This is not a heathen, but rather a believer struggling in their relationship - something I am all too familiar with.
In addition to a hymn I read a story about a wonderful young woman, Mary Fisher a Quaker from York. She is noted as one of the first 60 Quaker missionaries, and was one of the first to be persecuted physically by local governments. A woman imprisoned, beaten, rejected and yet she traveled around the world three times in a century that few did such things. She traveled to the America - the first time being rejected and imprisoned, went alone walking to Turkey - where she had an audience with the sultan with whom she shared the Gospel, and later settled in South Carolina till her death. The story I read revolved around the purpose of her trip to Turkey. Disregarding all recommendations or caution she traveled, a woman, alone, on foot from Greece to Turkey. She told all that asked "I have a message from the Most High God for the king". Her authority opened doors, that no man could have opened. Her commitment was striking, we have no journals of her journey just stories from those who came in contact with her. It is quite amazing. She delivered her message, to which the king replied it was good and it was truth - even inviting her to stay, to which she humbly rejected. There was nothing special about Mary, but her passionate commitment to her God and her faith. Hearing her journeys one can't help but reminded of the early church followers - whose drive was more than many of us could imagine today.
What does this all mean?
To be honest I am not sure. I believe we can find hope, no matter our circumstance. I believe that even in our division, our fear - perfect Love can come make us one. While I don't feel especially knowledgeable, or full of faith - if I rely on my Savior He can do anything through me. This faith is real, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. This God is Love, is Life, is everlasting Water, and we will never thirst again in His waters. So no, I don't know what it all means but I have faith that while I may not have an epiphany- I will have steady faith that perseveres in the most of mellow and extreme of circumstances.
No comments:
Post a Comment